As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolJust Skip This Part
You know what, thanks FBI. Just what I wanted to do with my Sunday – write about how the Malheur Magnificents got off in their trial of the century, winning a stunning win for entitled hillbillies all over the nation. Nope. I wanted to get up, eat my Cheerios, drink a bit of grapefruit juice, and check my state news sources for some nonsense about lead pipes, politicians getting into shoving matches, Art Robinson dropping a new press release calling for a return to asbestos insulation… hell, I’d even have settled for some more mega earthquake coverage. But alas, my life is a lone turd floating on a river of sh*t.

As you surely know by now, ‘not guilty’ verdicts rained down on these jerks like sweat and sparkles at a German discoteque. The big talking point in the media was “blarr bladitty blargh, all not guilty EXCEPT ONE WHERE ONE OF THE DUMB GUYS HAD A CHARGE THEY COULDN’T SORT OUT.” Just gonna say it: who cares. A terrible precedent has been set because of what looks like a big government blunder, and now we’re all doomed. Some of these folks are still facing charges for another standoff in Bunkerville, NV, so maybe that one will work out. If not, I’m going to consider occupying a federal building myself, because I work as a journalist and therefore literally cannot pay rent. That and I’ve always wanted people to mail me dildos.

On a positive note, at least the Bundys’ weirdo of a lawyer got us all a little satisfaction. After the verdict, he challenged the ability of the authorities to hold one senior (say that with a thick Inigo Montoya accent please; one eyebrow raised) Bundy, despite the fact that he was still facing the aforementioned Bunkerville charges. Obviously said lawyer lost the argument, because the Marshals in the room went all Joe Biden on him with a group tackle and subsequent tasering.

There are a thousand armchair experts and legal gurus talking about this right now. We’re hearing of racial bias, how what happened and why, what’s to come… but eh, no thanks. If you’re like me, you like a bit of this kind of circus now and again. But I think I’m done. Them city boys at the state and national news level can handle it.

Unless someone else gets tasered, of course.

Tidbits of Great News
Really into that whole Portland toxic air thing? Well, I guess this is bad news then. The Oregon Health Authority (OHA) has come out with a memo that says “Bullseye Glass emissions are like, 98% lower than last year.” Not an exact quote, but there you have it. All sorts of stuff was done, and it worked, hoorah. On another note… it’s been an entire year? My life is slipping away.

On the other side of the state (sort of), the Oregon State Land Board has announced ::trumpets:: that they will reveal the buyer of Elliot State Forest… on December 13th. I know, right? Finally something that will cause more end-of-year anticipation than the premiere of Rogue One. And, of course, that’s a huge fatty of a lie.

And then I keep seeing this headline all over Oregon Public Broadcasting’s website: “Lillard Hits Floater As Blazers Beat Nuggets In OT.” I don’t know what any of that means, but it sounds really gross.

The New Beer in Town
Land Root Ale, brewed in Portland (a partnership between HUB and Patagonia Provisions), has a nice amber color and a sweet can design that says “rustic, yet elegant.” But rather than cucumbers or beard fungus or any of that fancy stuff, it’s made with Kernza. Yes, Kernza, the lovable super-wheat that all sorts of people are in love with because of its value in regards to climate change.

Long story short, it’s a perennial bit o’ plant that has super long roots (like, taller than a whole tall dude long) that help hold the soil together. These long roots also help it find its own water sources, so irrigation becomes a bit less vital. There’s a bunch of other awesome stuff about it, including an interesting history, but I don’t want to give you too much here and ruin my reputation for baiting a story and then moving along.

Speaking of, short story medium, or medium story short, or long… I had a chance to try the beer, and it’s pretty damn good. That’s coming from someone who is not a HUB fan, for whatever that’s worth.

By Johnny Beaver