As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolStormageddon D*ck Size Contest
Every time there’s a big storm to-do in Oregon, people from out of state tend to giggle a bit at what seems to be our overreaction. I’ve done it as well, and will probably do it again because I’m a jerk, but in terms of covering what actually went down… I figured it was time to get real. I don’t know what that means, only that the cool kids say it a lot.

The fact is, Oregon does have storms, due in no small part to the fact that it is part of planet Earth. What seems like once a year, high winds tear through the state and knock down some of our many trees, taking out power lines, and occasionally resulting in a death toll. It doesn’t matter if our largest recorded raindrop could thread a needle, or the total of lightning strikes per year is in the 30,000 range, as opposed to Florida’s 500 or so per 45-minute storm.

Okay, it might matter a bit if you’re slinging your dong around trying to see who is cooler by way of their state’s storm power (and people do this constantly). Either way, over the weekend 30,000-plus lost power in the Portland general uh, power zone, alone. A “tornader,” as it is sometimes called by people forcing hillbilly accents they don’t actually have, even touched down and did some heavy damage in Manzanita—yes, it’s a real town, not the name of a fictitious bread company. It’s in Tillamook County, and we know all about that sh*t because the ice cream is killer. Dat Peanut Butter Cup.

Anyhow. From the photos, some windows were slammed and a roof was rocked, and some other stuff occurred with devastating somethin’ or other—proving that journalistic sensationalism doesn’t work for describing property damage. When I was living in Florida and Hurricane Charlie rolled through, it tore an 8’ x 4’ plywood section of my parents’ house’s roof off, finally dropping it about a quarter of mile down the road. So at least that didn’t happen—though I did have to go pick up my grandmother’s sunflower and replant it.

Having been through some bad storms, I’m truly glad to report that things were fairly mild in the grand scheme of things. Despite some of the “It’s the Columbus Day storm of 1962 all over again!” claims, we didn’t get anywhere near that ballpark. If you’re not familiar, you should be. Like a bowel movement, what happens once, can happen again.

PDX Mayor Gets Peace, Giant TV
New topic (hence the subheadline, in case you didn’t see it): those protesters who set up camp in front of Portland mayor Charlie Hales swank a*s mansion, complete with a Taco Bell in the kitchen and a 5,540.6-mile-long television so he can watch the same TV as his friends in Beijing, well… they left. Took off. Bailed. Walked on. Bounced. Other phrases.

But how did we get here? ::dream sequence noises::

The long and the short of it is that people had been protesting a labor agreement with the local police union. I won’t go into the deal itself because I have to pee really bad and need to get through this before I soil myself, but essentially people are pissed off and there have been a bunch of protests. On Thursday the loudest one occurred, during which sh*t got a bit physical. This resulted in injuries and a number of arrests, including pepper spray hijinks. Protesters from that event felt they got their point across. But other protesters wanted to get the point across, too… so they camped outside the mayor’s Grand Palace. Just to clarify, we’re talking about the same point.

Though those protesting definitely made demands, such as resignations and whatnot, none of it has been granted—and nobody is surprised. Awareness is better than sex (maybe), and in that respect they’ve certainly “won,” as some have been quoted as saying… that and they all got their chests signed by Charlie when he came back the other day from doing cool stuff like getting a McFlurry and driving across the border to pump his own gas.

Priest Prays for Himself and Others – Also, He Likes Coke and Hookers
A priest from Eugene, Daniel James MacKay, was arrested a bit ago for hiring an underage prostitute and utilizing her person to move some creamy, delicious cocaine. No problem, it happens, am I right? But now eyebrows are raising of their own volition, as he has been quoted as praying for “everyone involved” by the Register Guard, and apparently feels the situation is “deeply unfortunate.”

Well, thanks on the first count. And on the second, totally, dude.

By Johnny Beaver