As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolSnakes. Why’d It Have to Be Snakes? And Measure 97
Because I’ve really done a lot with myself in life, at least once a week I think, “Gee, I wonder what Oregon Public Broadcasting has for me today!” Perhaps without that exclamation point, but I figure you’ll abandon me in droves (whatever a drove is) if I don’t cough up at least a little sensationalism. So ::clickity click sounds:: what do we have…

A big-a*s rundown on Measure 97. Ugh. I mean, ugh. Didn’t we just run something on that? What’s the big deal anyway? Florida has sales tax and look how awesome that place is. Mosquitoes (they’re not big,  just very numerous… The More You Know) and Love Bugs (who fly around once a year or so banging and then die on your car). Snakes, lots of snakes. Huge nasty spiders with rocket launchers. Horribly eroded beaches full of sand fleas and crack heads beginning from rides to Port Orange (because “Come on man, I’ll **** your ****)… Charlie Crist. Well, he’s not governor anymore, but look how orange he is. Don’t forget the nasty weather that’s so humid you’ll sweat through your drawers in the time it takes to get from your front door to your car. That time I drank a ton of Burgundy and pissed into my own house through a window. And thanks a lot for making me go back for your wedding, Jameson, that was rad. If you weren’t my brother, well, I guess I wouldn’t have gone. Aha! So technically this was our parents’ fault. Dammit.


And Now for Something Less Strange… Nope
Some stuff is going on with the Malheur Refuge Circus Trial, but… eh. Unless someone poops themselves or reveals that it was all part of an invasion by interdimensional travelers (such as Jerry O’Connell, Sabrina Lloyd, Cleavant Derricks, John Rhys-Davies, Charlie O’Connell, Tembi Locke, or Robert Floyd…). Or that Ammon Bundy is outed for having sexual relations with Howard the Duck. Which, I mean, that’s cool. Once I spent a really beautiful weekend with my toaster, drove up and down the coast… stopped for a bit of a picnic. It was warm, but breezy. That was the last time I really felt alive, and now it’s gone, forever. Stuck a bagel in it and it got stuck and caught on fire. I’ll never see that toaster again.

Okay, I’m done.

Football Stuff
Looks like the Washington Huskies finally pulled off a win against the University of Oregon Ducks—after 12 years of losing. Leave it to Washington to have a lack of respect for tradition, I guess. I read a bunch more stuff about numbers, running, etc. but this isn’t my wheelhouse. I try to keep my football limited to Tecmo Super Bowl or NFL Blitz. But hey, a tiny sports update is better than no sports update. Unless you don’t like sports and are considered to be highly intolerant.

And Now for Some Good News… Nope
An inmate was found dead in the Multnomah County jail known as Inverness, and though no foul play is currently suspected, they don’t seem to know a hell of a lot about it at all at this point. Looks spooky though, as Firefox is acting up and the website I was reading about it on seemed like it had a bunch of text redacted. There ain’t nothing on Earth quite as sexy as redacted text, am I right? Maybe a swimming pool full of chocolate pudding, yes, but I think we know which is more likely to be encountered in the wild.

Check Out Those Tomatoes
In a move clearly inspired by Planned Parenthood, the Oregon Health Authority (OHA) has announced that they’ll be offering free “soil screenings.” Undoubtedly related to the ongoing “holy sh*t, toxins everywhere” craze that’s sweeping the state after toxic air and water-bound lead scandals rocked the Portland area in recent times (there’s some more sensationalism), it’s really kind of an awesome opportunity for pretty much everybody. Got a home garden at your Alberta district home and want to be sure the urine in your compost bin hasn’t leaked into your heirloom tomatoes? They’ve got a test for that. And seriously, look at those gangly a*s tomatoes… there’s got to be something wrong with them. Surely there’s something more to say about this… Oh yeah, they’re only doing this temporarily. And it’ll be over on the 15th of this month so… hey, better almost no notice, than no notice. Right?

By Johnny Beaver