As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolBend Goes Spigot Wild
Okay people, brace yourselves, for what I am about to say will likely shock, awe, and deliver unto thee a mildly painful anal fissure that, thank heavens, will heal within just a few days. What was I saying again? That’s right – seven of 155 tested water spigots in Bend showed “elevated” levels of lead, but were not determined by the Bend Park & Recreation District to be of a direct threat to public health. WHEW! That was a close one, Bend homies.

After at least 100 hours of deliberation, they decided to warn people living in buildings with tainted spigots not to drink water from the otherwise safe… oh, I’m sorry. I seem to have tripped over some necessary but totally goofy sounding bureaucracy. Being a Corvallisite, you’ll travel such bogs with expert insight and some other such useful sounding virtue. Perhaps something with the word Justice in it? I like the way you think, comrade.

Sh*t – two paragraphs in a row with region / period specific terms of social brotherhood. One more misstep and they’ll have my badge. No, we don’t actually get badges. Blame Steve Schultz… if he wanted badges, we’d have badges. If you don’t see this line, it’s because Steve erased it with his powers.

Proof I’ve Never Seen a Timbers Game
I’m just now finding out that the Timbers mascot is a bearded man named Timber Joey, and that he lays his chainsaw down into some poor log every time they score. And that this has been going on since the 1970s, when Timber Jim first convinced the head office to let him into a game. And that’s pretty much all there is to say about it. I’ll need a week or so to decide whether “chainsaw = cool” or “weird dude chainsawing during soccer games = uncomfortable.”

Make that two weeks.

The Bundy Bungle
The Malheur folk trial has disintegrated this week into a big stupid mess that’s not even fun to laugh at in text anymore. Honestly, they finally did it… they wore me out. You got this guy over here, that guy over there, motion this, dismissed by judge that, the mention of some whackjob lawyer named “Mumford” now and again. Who is being confusing? What’s prejudicial? Which fool did the duty of writing cross examination questions so foul and ridiculous that they caused witnesses to ramble on in what direction the court couldn’t even find itself aware.

Oh lordy, and don’t even start me on the dumptruck of Facebook evidence that was unveiled about a week ago. Or all of the ridiculous quotes, such as exchanges between activist Gavin Seim and Ammon Bundy that basically serve to do nothing but establish Bundy’s unwillingness to actually describe the 2nd Amendment he otherwise won’t shut up about.

This trial sucks. What next, will Oregon Public Broadcasting run videos of the doofus twins taking turns dropping loads in their makeshift Malheur poo-pit? The one good thing about today’s trial news is that the prosecution have hinted that they will rest their case by the end of September. May our next encounter with hillbilly sit-in intruders be with suspects that can count higher than 10 with their shoes on and their pants up.

There’s a New Toxin in Town
Asbestos? As if. Lead? So two subheadlines ago. No folks, we’re talking good old Selenium, your favorite poison. Increased quantities spotted by the Oregon Health Authority near the Bullseye Glass Company have led to an inspection near the Children’s Creative Learning Center of Southeast Portland.

Not the first rodeo for Bullseye this year, those poor jerks – they just got done installing a new high device called a “baghouse,” but it has failed to contain the selenium according to the Oregon Health Authority. Fun fact: Selenium is an essential ingredient in the body, though becomes toxic at high levels. Sort of like basically anything, ever. I’m serious – start cramming marshmallows and see what happens to you, smart ass.

I should probably also mention that Oregon Public Broadcasting is getting dangerously close to replacing their “Infinite Oil Train Crash” coverage with something they’re referring to as “Portland’s Toxic Air Problem.” Which coverage will be the knight in shining armor that will finally topple their “MegaQuake” perma-story? Gasp.

By Johnny Beaver