As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolRyan Bundy: The Gift that Keeps on Giving
People may say a lot of things about me, but they don’t say “That Johnny Beaver doesn’t enjoy his work.” I suppose they could say that, but it’d be wrong and weird sounding. Point is, it’s days like today that I really dig my gig. Why? I get to say stuff like this: Ryan Bundy should have begun his trial yesterday, and I’ll likely get to milk its shenanigans for quite some time to come.

But first, let’s go back in time. Back to September 3.

::obligatory whoosh noises::

Okay we’re back on the 3rd — the day I’m actually writing this stuff. I can see the questions about temporal causality bubbling up in your beady little eyes, but please, just shut up and enjoy the magic and majesty of the weekly news. Let’s start with this:

“[I refuse to be represented by anyone in court but myself, and also… please oh please oh please government, PLEASE DISMISS MY CHARGES!!!!!!]” — Ryan Bundy

Yes, he went there. According to Bundy, he hasn’t been allowed access to a laundry list of documents he has referred to as the “United States Attorney’s file.” If you were into computer security and hacker subculture back in the 1990’s, you’d remember the “FREE KEVIN” movement, an attempt to free one Kevin Mitnick, a high profile hacker that found himself incarcerated for a number of crimes. During his prison tenure, he was disallowed access to a large number of evidential documents against him because they required computer access, and the nature of his crimes precluded him from their use. In fact, Mitnick was dumped in solitary confinement for eight months because the feds were afraid he could access NORAD through a pay phone – a notion which is absolutely absurd, then and now.

Both men: definitely criminals. Both men: dorky as hell looking. Kevin Mitnick, however, is the only one of the two whose request to the government doesn’t fall under the category of “laughably asinine,” or “questionably sane.”

But oh, it gets better! Bundy nearly lost the ability to represent himself in court, which is not all that unlike having the right to dress yourself suspended. He did this by violating one court order after another, basically annoying the hell out of the judge. It seems as if one more temper tantrum would have put him over the edge, and by edge I mean subject to the wit and wisdom of lawyer Lisa Ludwig, who was, of course, initially “thrust upon him” by the system. Honestly, Ryan… my man… when a woman is thrust upon you, you should probably settle out of court, if you know what I’m sayin’. And yes, what I am saying is as crude and stupid as the greater Bundy defense.

Now…. just when you thought you couldn’t be having a better Whatever Day This Is, Ammon Bundy takes his turn and swings hard. Because his lawyer’s most recent claim registered as “fundamentally bonkers and not worth repeating,” I’ll just post the real, actual, true to life and so very real response from prosecuting attorney Marcus Mumford (as it was reported by Oregon Public Broadcasting): “…[We] don’t need to prove no stinking subject matter jurisdiction.”

Yes, he was compelled to issue a response that read exactly like that. In the sort of language only a Bundy could understand. That actually happened. Don’t even know what to say.

You Can Finally Breathe a Sigh of Relief…
Remember when that Clackamas “terminal” was accessed back in February and the user was like “Oh. My. God. I can see driver’s license numbers and even some social security partials!”? Of course you do! It was a threat to our very democracy. I can still feel the whoosh of the jaws of justice as they clamped down on that sh*t and prevented any further ability for prying eyes to get their skeezy hands all over the records.

Some really, really, really slow people from the Secretary of State’s office have finally determined that voter information, of the confidential kind, had not been made available. Ever. Not even back when we were all like “Damn, is that stuff available from that thing?” Not even THEN.

And that’s just about all there is to say about that. I tried.

Here’s a Great Headline From Oregon Public Broadcasting
“Looking For Portland’s Mayor? He’s On A Boat In California”

Though I can’t quite determine if this is an antiquated “on a boat” reference, I like this headline just the same. Can it compete with our local champion, as detailed in The Linn-Benton Backwash? You be the judge, friend. Because that way I can end this column this week on a note that sounds like I actually know what I’m doing. Hell yes, all leading you on to the next thing and whatnot. Distracting you from the fact that I’m just rambling.

By Johnny Beaver