As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolMath Becomes Accidentally Useful
Those of us in the high sciences, such as obscene magnet collecting and scraping cat barf off of the couch… we tolerate math. Like giddy children, mathematicians are always conducting little symbolic experiments on napkins, etc. in sad, vain attempts at seeming relevant. Well, you goons, you’ve finally gone and done it! From the most popular way to start stories like this in the mainstream media…

…a Native American roams around, doing mysterious native stuff. Suddenly, BLAMMO, a noise shoots up out of the brush and time slows down, our unnamed hero grinning the slightest of grins… the kind of corner-mouth grin one grins when they are a true master of their environment. Time then slows down to see, in a preternatural flash, the native man grab an arrow from his quiver, slide it onto his bow mid draw, and WHOOSH… some poor bastard bird is dead. It falls head first into the tall grass and you hear “Dun-DUN-Dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN” as an annoying-looking dog pops up out of the brush, holding the duck in its grizzly left paw.

OK, so that last part was from Nintendo’s Duck Hunt, but honestly I forgot what the hell I was talking about there towards the end anyway.

The actual story is that some middle school math teacher bought a house on top of a hill along the Willamette where some goofy story like this is purported to have happened a long time ago. Said unnamed Future Man took a tractor through the weeds outside of his new home, found what he thought was a spring and started digging—eventually finding well over a dozen stone tools called bifaces, which are largely chipped away at to make other tools. What’s very cool is that Future Man (whose name is hidden so nobody hunts him down so they can dig in his yard) actually reported the find, which is apparently quite rare due to the widespread myth that such a report can get one’s land taken away.

Since the event, Future Man has allowed all sorts of experts to visit the site and conduct excavations, including mini-experts from his middle school classes. If any of you have ever wondered what a model Oregonian is, look no further.

Pot Groups Seek to Clear Pot Convictions
And no, it’s not to increase their client base. Well, not completely.

A free clinic held last Saturday in Portland saw dozens of sign-ups in the hope that they may see a conviction or two (or four) removed from their records. According to Oregon law, certain particular individuals who have been busted regarding drugs can have their records sealed and tossed aside if it has been three years or more since the event. Since marijuana legalization, the courts have been allowed to take said legalization into account when looking at these records.

In the case of one Jordan Visarraga, who was slapped with a felony while attending Willamette High School as a senior, his conviction means that he can’t get a job with the master’s degree he is set to get from Portland State University. Some have criticized his choice to chase that particular degree, but for him it had always been his dream. And now, as they like to say on the evening news, that may… may become a reality. For this young man.

As an added now, KGW News… you’re a cautionary tale. Seriously.

Oregon State Fair Exhibits Fancy Pot
For the first time in the history of the Universe (barring some sort of time loop, of course), the Oregon State Fair will make itself the first in the nation to display some pot plants for its drooling visitors. Nine plants in total will be exhibited by the Oregon Cannabis Business Council. Basking in the summer sun’s glow, these plants will be up through Monday, Sept. 5 in the fair’s Salem location. They’ll be in a super secret, yet horribly obvious tent that only those who are 21 and older can enter.

Yep, pot news. Pot news everywhere. Everybody panic!

Kate Brown Blah Blah Blah
Governor Kate Brown blah blah something something about $3 billion corporate tax increase blah blah the only reasonable option forward that will help fund health care, schools, etc. blah blah and some other stuff about consumers having to fit part of the bill blah blah Measure 97 etc. blah etc.

ALSO! Portland is opening its first new high school in “decades!”


By Johnny Beaver