As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolDonald Trump Blows Portland Off
Republican blowhard, butthole, and presidential nominee Donald Trump has delivered a bit of terrible news—he has canceled his Portland fundraising rally that was set for the 31st of this month. Oh noes, how could this have happened? Camp Trump is currently (and I say currently because they change their mind an awful lot) blaming this on scheduling changes in relation to the Louisiana flood. Nope, nothing to do with the fact that it’s batsh*t crazy to try to raise funds for a right-wing extremist in a state whose number of elected Republican officials couldn’t fill a school bus. Oregon hasn’t voted for a Republican since Ronald Reagan. I could be giving Trump too much credit, of course. But who knows.

Frankly, this guy is nuttier than Nicolas Cage’s character in Vampire’s Kiss. If you haven’t seen that movie, you really should. Brilliantly obnoxious performance.

OHA Wrecks Kids’ Opportunity to Eat Lead
To add to the ongoing comedy coming out of the Portland school system, they are now placing “DO NOT EAT” signs in front of a bunch of gardens grown on school property. What the hell is going on now, you ask? Nothing new: it’s still lead. Yep. The Oregon Health Authority (OHA) is basically saying: Don’t eat this crap, there’s a good chance all that lead we’ve been rattling on about has made it into the asparagus (as if kids would eat that sh*t anyway, yuck).

Some people are arguing with the call—and of course they are. They say that some gardens use untainted water and so it’s still totally cool to roll up in there and scarf a head of kale (also something kids won’t eat). And hey, I get it. Not the same water, totally safe. OHA is crazy, right? Wanting to issue a blanket order designed to keep kids from developing brain damage, anemia, severe headaches, so on and so forth… totally bonkers. What do I care if my child poops out of his or her own mouth? What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I think we should let every school, independent of any kind of oversight, determine which gardens are safe. That makes way more sense. Whew… imagine what we’d do if we didn’t have these folks around to save us from the government?

Anywho. It looks like OHA authorities are going to investigate these claims and perhaps adjust their policies in accordance with the findings. What a bunch of lunatics.

Fungus vs. Oregon Douglas Firs
I love fungus as much as the rest of you, but sometimes one has to draw a line—and this particular line needs to be drawn along the Oregon Coast because, uh… there’s a fungus all over the fir trees. Did you not read the headline?

As it turns out, some research-y people out of Oregon State University (my God, that’s our college!) have been looking at this fungal disease, known as “Swiss needle cast,” for a while. Turns out this nasty business has seen a 30% increase in only a year, and it’s affecting four times as much of the associated forest area as it was two decades ago.

I won’t tell you what the fungus does because it’s really gross and I’m sure you just ate, but it basically constipates the fir needles, which are basically portholes for air and water. It doesn’t kill the trees, but it slows down their productivity, costing an estimated $128 million a year.

One solution is to plant a bunch of non-fir trees in the area, so the fungus has trouble finding poop chutes to block, but hopes are high for a more effective solution in the future.

Ryan Bundy, National Man of Mystery
Malheur leader and professional fartknocker Ryan Bundy just did something really funny: he pushed for the filing of a subpoena that will force Governor Kate Brown to testify in his trial, which begins Wednesday, Sept. 7. Additionally, it asks her to produce all notes, memos, and emails that went out between her office and all law enforcement agencies. Oregon Department of Justice lawyer Marc Abrams has basically said, “That’s dumb. Please, US District Judge so and so, smite this ridiculous crap.” While waiting for that particular ruling, we can squeeze out a few giggles on behalf of the fact that it orders Brown to attend court on the weekend—a time during which there is no court held.

There’s a lot more to this attempt that crosses the line between reasonable and goofy as all hell, but more on that in the near future. It looks like we’ll get an answer from the judge sometime between this issue and the next one.

By Johnny Beaver