As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolPerseids Visit Earth, or More Importantly, Corvallis
Tell me, folks, have you ever heard of the Perseid meteor shower? Oh, lord… I’m so sorry, of course you have. Everybody knows that this year’s exhibit is set to be the best since 2009, when your kid who now doesn’t sh*t their pants finally stopped sh*tting their pants.

How much better is the Perseid shower this year? “Double normal,” according to some guy from NASA’s Meteoroid Environments Office.



Hot diggity dog! Just to remind you, since you already know, each “meteor” in the Perseid shower is actually just a bunch of random bits of space crap, each chasing down the massive Swift-Tuttle comet, which is over 15 miles wide and wraps its a*s around the sun once every 133 years or so. What we see in the sky is basically the comet shaking off a bunch of that aforementioned crap.

Now, the best way to view the shower is to steal a time machine from the government and go back to last week, Aug. 11 or 12. Since that’s fairly impossible, I guess you’re just screwed. But if you head out, away from light, and stare really hard while being circled by night predators, you can still catch bits of it until the 25th of this month.

Also, if you start sending $20 bills to The Corvallis Advocate, Attn.: Johnny Beaver, I might start reporting this stuff on time.

Rogue River High
Nope, not talking about a high school—talking about a dude who found a butt-load of marijuana in a porta-crapper. The small town, known for stuff, was ROCKED (trying sensationalism again) last week due to the thing that happened in the last sentence.

While private pot farms are common in the south of the state due to outdoor conditions, it’s fairly uncommon to see the crop yield stuffed in a plastic blue house designed for… other stuff.

Ah dammit, I missed out on making a reference to a “Port-a-POTty.” Sigh.

Oregon Republicans Distancing Themselves from Trump…
…for the same reason all of those other Republicans are doing it.

And as for the Oregon Democrats…
Whoa, Nelly—those were the first two words that came out of my mouth when I heard of the dust-up at a recent Multnomah County Democratic Party meeting. Why? Let’s break it on down.

• Police get two calls, an hour apart. Some woman said she was assaulted for trying to record a video of the meeting.

• At the same time, a Bernie Supporters vs. Everyone Else argument started about meeting agendas and how the meeting was being run, which doesn’t sound like the DNC, not at all, nope nope nope.

• The argument accelerated into a mild brawl, complete with shoving and other physical assault. Tables and chairs were knocked around, people were screaming, etc. Eyewitness reports suggest that the violence started when Democratic leaders attempted to keep things under control by using “sergeant-at-arms” dudes to remove rabble-rousers. The incident was later described by one attendee as looking like a “rugby huddle.”

• One spokeswoman for the Democrats said that those inciting the trouble had planned on doing so before they even showed up… shock and awe.

Ah, fun stuff. I’m incredibly sad that I missed it, as watching British parliament erupt into mass fisticuffs is one of my dearest hobbies. But hey, I have an open mind. A lot of these extreme left Sanders supporters are essentially doing what I’d be doing if I emigrated to Russia and started immediately freaking out about their laws. As long as they keep doing that instead of just rejecting the party they obviously disagree with and using that grass roots energy to fire up something new, the comedy should keep on rolling downhill.

And hey, it’s just a suggestion. I’m not looking to get my a*s kicked or anything.

Corvallis Swimmer Finishes Fifth in Rio
Corvallis native Jason Pebly finished fifth in the 200-meter men’s backstroke during the 2016 Rio Olympics. Even being invited is incredible, let alone winding up in the finals. And hell, I’d probably get winded trying to swim across my bathtub, so as far as I’m concerned, Pebly is either a Squirtle with a lot of plastic surgery, or some kind of water wizard. Great job, dude who I don’t know who will never read this. Great job, indeed.

By Johnny Beaver