As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolRace Runs Around the Homeless
Kevin Hart, the famously tiny (but not really) comedian has announced that he will be running the Hood to Coast relay race, a 198-mile bit of self-butchery that takes place over 24 hours. The race itself runs from Mount Hood to Seaside and starts on the 26th of this month. There will be a ton of other non-famous people participating, soaking up the golden rays of the sun, breathing fresh air… totally avoiding a bunch of homeless people. Wait, what?

Apparently the organizers, with a few flicks of the wrist, altered the route so the runners wouldn’t go any closer than 40 blocks away from the Springwater Corridor Trail—a place that is currently home to hundreds of homeless people. Charlie Hales, omniscient mayor of Portland, had originally planned to wipe the trail clean of campers, but it has been delayed.

There’s been a lot of chatter on the comment boards about this decision, but I don’t personally see much of a stance to be had. It’s obvious why they moved the race, and I think it’d be hard to argue that it’s some kind of dastardly deed. That said, I think it’s a great reminder that there are people out there struggling to survive, while others have the free time to just run.

Bundys Gone Wild
Last week, US District Court Judge Rob E. Jones dropped the bomb of all bombs: the Malheur goofballs all received special accommodations as a direct result of their collective complaining about the lockup accommodations. So what were they? Secret, unmonitored meetings.

In the case of most criminal circumstances this might seem a bit… shall we say, against protocol… but with these a*sclowns? What are Ammon and Ryan going to do with said time, play hide the pickle? I can see it now…

Ammon: Hey guy, how you doin’?

Ryan: Hey guy, how you doin’?

Ammon: I asked you first!

Ryan: I asked you first!



Ammon: I’m a turd.

Ryan: I know you are.

*Ammon punches Ryan*

Speaking of Prison…
The Oregon State Penitentiary was placed on lockdown on the 7th due to over 150 inmates getting into fights. No rioting, just fights. Sorry.

Is it gang-related? Are people pissed they didn’t get a sweet deal like the Bundy gang? Did the kitchen run out of chocolate pudding? Smokescreen for an escape? The world may never know. Though I suppose they would eventually find out if it was an escape, since prisons tend to count their inmates.

According to The Statesman Journal, 155 inmates were tossed in solitary confinement. Very few injuries were reported, none of which were life-threatening.

Oregon Pot-Buying Teen: Charges Dismissed
Last week federal prosecutors mumbled, “Yeah, OK whatever, dismiss it” in a marijuana possession case involving a 19-year-old. The teen, Devondre Thomas, was somehow caught buying a gram for 20 bone from a fellow student at Salem’s Chemawa Indian School. Facing a possible one year of jail time, a lot of people got really pissed off. This resulting in several letters from high-end Oregon politicians being sent to Oregon’s U.S. Attorney.

The charge will remain dismissed as long as Thomas attends school or works, and also avoids breaking laws for a period of two months.

I think there’s a very important lesson to be learned here for all of us—don’t buy pot in front of the feds.

By Johnny Beaver