As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolJudgement Day: Bottlegeddon, 2017
Oregonians, it is time to panic. We knew it was coming. After all, that state bill in 2011 warned us: IF THE REDEMPTION RATE FOR BOTTLES DROPS BELOW 80 PERCENT FOR TWO YEARS IN A ROW, DEPOSITS WILL DOUBLE. And thanks to a ton of lazy bastards, myself included, that’s exactly what will happen. Or at least what will likely happen. Even with caps lock, though, it’s kind of hard to sensationalize something that’s surely to happen, probably. Most likely.

So, 2017. The day the bottle deposit doubled. Er, year. According to the Oregon Beverage Recycling Cooperative, a thing that absolutely exists (seriously, no sarcasm), it is “extremely likely.” This is partially based on data from the Oregon Liquor Control Commission (also real, and no, your last bender did not make you an honorary member) that shows only 70 percent return rates for 2013 and 2014.

Oh God, this is it for us. It’s all over. The 5 cent deposit of yesteryear will likely become… a 10 cent deposit!

But honestly, I’m ridiculing the wrong thing here. Our recycling programs are a terrible joke, and I’m not just talking about the third of all people that don’t even participate in bottle returns. Germany, for example, has a system where the bottles they return get reused. So basically, no need for crushing, recycling, rebuilding and all of the associated infrastructure and waste. All of that environmentally friendly cost-cutting because people there don’t give a sh*t if a bottle has some wear.

But hey, that’s gross, right? Americans don’t do gross things. Aside from vote for Donald Trump. It’s just easier to keep throwing stuff away and accepting these “deposits” as just another tax.

Updates for Young and Old

• Portland schools have decreased radon levels by… hold on, making sure this is correct…. yes, by running their glorified air conditioners. HVAC systems, as they are called, are described by the greatest source on Earth,, as “Heating, Ventilating, Air Conditioning. There is also ‘HVAC-R’ version exists. R stands for Refrigerationing.” And to be honest, I’m shocked. I’m pretty sure that’s the first thing I’ve seen on that site that isn’t riddled with obscenities. Oh well, I tried.

• Regarding that train derailment up in the Gorge, it seems as if the tracks had passed a safety inspection just a few weeks back. Er. Hey there, inspector… I heard they’re still hiring at the Corvallis Burgerville. It’s probably best that you get ahead of this, homie.

• For some good news: an Oregon judge granted a transgender person the right to change their legal gender to non-binary. Fifty-two-year-old Jamie Shupe won this right for everybody in court and is set to become the first American to exercise this right, which looks like it will force the DMV to rework some of their documentation. And honestly, who doesn’t want to stick it to those as*hats? A win for all of humanity here.

• Apparently there’s some stink about Governor Brown, but the main “scathing” article uses the word “gumption” in the headline, and I’ll just have no part of that.

Oregon vs. the Minnows
Always kicking one animal’s a*s to help another, Oregon is at it again. Employees from the Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife are traveling about with trailers full of tiger trout, which they have dumped into Diamond Lake. Why? You guessed it: tui chubs. Wait, you didn’t guess it? Well, like, they’re restocking the trout because… eh, just read on.

These chubs are an invasive form of baitfish (fish that have no other purpose than to help catch other fish) that, according to one fisherman, were brought in by “some idiot.” Apparently these chubbers really dig the lake and have bred like crazy, eating up all of the stuff that other stuff eats… the kind of stuff people want to catch and eat themselves. According to Oregon Public Broadcasting, the chubs “[cause] toxic [algal] blooms and [push out sport fish].”


The word on the street is that they were wiped out twice before, but keep coming back. One fisherman explained that it was probably happening because of “some idiot.” Yes, I’m aware that I already quoted this guy. It’s my favorite quote right now, deal with it.

I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end. After all, it’s our duty to return the environment to the natural conditions that we like.

By Johnny Beaver