As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolRepublicans Learn Writing
Ever heard of a “write-in candidate?” I’ll bet that you have, considering the fact that if you’re reading this, you’re likely older than 10 years old. Write-ins are usually left-field candidates with small grass roots support. Or they’re Batman, which I’ve been writing in for years. Either way, they often lose. Which is just like, dammit people, Michael Keaton for sheriff? That should be a no-brainer.

As it typically is with leads like this, here’s the big contradiction that’s supposed to whip your head around violently and make you rethink your existence: Oregon has a few write-ins that might actually win. And by Oregon I mean Klamath County. And by Klamath County I mean… no, that’s pretty accurate, Klamath County works.

So the deal is this. Husband and wife dynamic duo (again, no Batman, &^$@!) Senator Doug Whitsett and Representative Gail Whitsett decided to dump their campaigns after the deadline, which was back on March 8. This left one Dennis Linthicum and Werner Reschke running unopposed in the dominantly Republican area, and since they are Teabaggers (do we still call them that these days?) the conservative establishment has been all like, “Oh noooooooooooo!” and other such exclamations. In fact, the Klamath Falls mayor, Todd Kellstrom, has suggested funny business on the part of the Whitsetts. Those wily devils!

Well, Kellstrom and other Republicans weren’t having any of that, so they set to meeting in their secret underground lair (appropriated from Native Americans, of course) and hatched a plan to get some write-in patsies elected. Those patsies are C.W. Smith, a deliciously truncated name for a sly former Jackson County commissioner/sheriff, and former Klamath County commissioner Al Switzer.

Switzer is pulling a double header, looking for write-in votes on the independent ticket, so he can still run in the main election if Rechke whips up on his a*s in the primary. Boo-ya! Additionally, the only state Republican congressman, Greg Walden, who normally keeps his mouth shut, is endorsing both write-ins and appearing in their ads.

Take that, you damn dirty Teabaggers.

Oh Medford, You So Silly
The Medford City Council, who for a long time has earned a reputation for being very much anti-marijuana, has a dark secret. Only it’s not dark or a secret. City Councilor Clay Bearnson has opened up a pot dispensary. Yup! Oregon Public Broadcasting even has a fancy picture of him, coming out of the darkness all chiascuro and sh*t, slicked-back hair and stormtrooper shirt, taking a huge whiff of his fluffy green dope.

The grand opening is still on the horizon, but this news makes Bearnson the first city councilor in the state to make such a move. It’s probably safe to say he wasn’t one of the ones voting against marijuana.

Things You Likely Don’t Care About

1. My back hurts.

2. The Oregon Secretary of State is really optimistic about… voter. Turnout.

3. Portland’s middle class appears to be stable, despite shrinkage across the nation.

4. My new Minecraft compound is quaint, with hints of a robust ancestry rooted in battle.

5. Oregon health insurance rates are cheaper than the national average, but it likely won’t last. Whee.

6. Rural Oregonians are still largely opposed to legal marijuana, including most of the 100 cities that have opted out of pot legalization. Heh, that’ll teach us to call those country folk backwards!

Arizona Crawls Up Oregon’s A*s, Lays Eggs
Over a dozen politicians from the fine democratic state of Arizona have been pressuring Oregon Governor Kate Brown via letter to investigate freedom fighter, er, a*shole criminal LaVoy Finicum’s death. Arizona State Representative Bob Thorpe referred to what Finicum was doing as “peaceable assembly,” and that the government gunned him down and all this other stuff. And by peaceable assembly he of course means “walking around armed to the teeth, destroying public property, threatening people, and pooping in a huge hole.” Thorpe says he is confident that Finicum was not a terrorist. Well, hell, wish we had known that sooner!

The letter in question was signed by 13 Teabaggers (wtf is with them this week?), including one that goes around talking about how she was a “a veteran of the Sage-Brush Rebellion.” Oi. You know, I just… sigh.

::throws papers in the air::

By Johnny Beaver