Another Star Wars Reaches i-Screens

star-wars-logoStar Wars Episode 16: The Return of the Phantom Force Jedi-Star is set to force its way into optic networks this February, and fans across the globe couldn’t be more excited. Not only will we all finally find out if Yoda’s great grandson will agree to train JarJar’s nephew’s son in the ways of the Jedi, but we are also invited to once again immerse ourselves in a galaxy’s worth of merchandise and memorabilia.

Favorites from years past, such as the do-it-yourself droid-building kits and plasma-based light-saber replicas, will get a cosmetic update for the new film. The big ticket item this year is, of course, replacement limbs. With a simple, outpatient procedure (costing no more than an arm or leg) at your neighborhood Walmart, customers can donate extremities in exchange for favored character parts.

The line of limbs will launch with three character styles: C4PO, Darth Murder, and Han Wookie, although more are expected to be announced in early 2067. Episode 16 will be the first Star Wars installment to be simultaneously released in theaters and beamed directly to any device connected to DisneyBox™ in true 4D quality.

Star Wars fans can view the movie on their car’s entertainment system while it drives them to the theater to see it again. Local Lightside and Darkside theaters offer competing deals to first-time customers. Darkside offers a free one-year subscription to Amazon’s Orbital Delivery System, launching purchases straight from space to your front door, while Lightside’s first 50 customers will receive virtual day passes to Disney’s moon-based Star Wars World. The question for fans remains the same: which side will you choose?

By S.K. Kiliea