8 Days a Week…

LMNO_Thursday31Thursday, 31
LMNO, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
You see how I got confused, right? LMNO is also the name of a mildly popular MC from Florida. And he’s even played here a couple times, so when you google LMNO, he’s the one who comes up. Because the kids these days like the hippity hop. But our LMNO is a stellar multi-genre experimental jazz outfit featuring members of Xenat-ra, Space Neighbors, Walk the Plank, The Svens… basically every good band that plays in town. LMNO doesn’t play out as much as they should, which is a shame because they’re terrif. That’s an abbrev of how I feel about LMNO. Because the kids these days also abbreviate stuff. Like their educations. Boom. Commentary!

C.J. Boyd, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7:30 p.m. Free
Boyd is an odd duck experimental bassist who plays music that I honestly could never see myself standing in a room listening to. That doesn’t mean much, because I say the same thing about Elton John, and basically the whole world loves him. C.J. is no Elton John. He’s more like a dude Elton John used to date but stopped because the music was poisoning his positive vibes. It’s great weird stuff and I highly endorse outside-the-Corvallis-mold jams (read: not Americana) like this one, lest they stop appearing. Also, Boyd is from Texas, which is one of my favorite states. And he’s on what he calls “perpetual tour” driving a vehicle he describes as a “jambulance.” So yeah. Go.

Friday, 1
100 Watt Mind and Browntown, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $5
Two of Corvallis’ heaviest hitters are back to paint the town… brown. Gross. But seriously, this is two of the best acts that frequent Corvallis, and thus a no-braioner show-of-the-week. Are they touring in a support of a new record? I don’t know, maybe. Will it be the exact same set as last month? It’s possible. I guess what I’m saying is, I have no valuable insight of any kind to offer for this show, so I guess you’ll have to settle for an old fashioned badgering. Just… goooooo! C’mon! Go already!


Majestic Science Theatre 3000: The Green Slime, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7:30 p.m. $8-$10
It’s MST3K Corvallis-style babies! And no, that doesn’t mean watching Alice’s Restaurant whilst everyone politely compliments the depth of the artistic achievement and quietly chooses not to interrupt the dialogue. Because that is what I automatically assumed such a thing would be like around here. No instead, we’re kicking it late-night comedy style with local funny-folk riffing and rotfl-ing on the infamous non-classic, The Green Slime (1968). The movie is actually sort of a B period gem by the legendary Japanese maestro, Kinji Fukasaku (The Yakuza Papers, Battle Royale), and you might even find yourself enjoying it in between that smart-assery that will be filling the air. Classic movies in Corvallis. It’s like totally a thing with us…


Saturday, 2
Miss Massive Snowflake, Calapooia Brewing, 140 Hill St. NE, Albany 8 p.m. Free
This is a really fun and unpretentious little rock trio from Portland that I’m way into. They’ve been around for years and it’s high time they graced the stage at the ‘Pooia for our enjoyment. It’s sort of Pavement-y, sort of Yea Yeah Yeahs-ish, and sort of dope. Count me in. Also a thing you can count me in on: shuffleboard. Am I crazy or is shuffleboard like the greatest bar-game in history? Other than Avoid-the-Roofie, of course, but I like my games with lower stakes.


Majestic Madness, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7:30 p.m. Free
Majestic Madness is a great example of the fun and bizarre new strategies the venerated Theatre has employed to coax in new fans. A less great, but nevertheless bizarre, example would be the system wherein they randomly select 5 Corvallisites and unleash them on each other in a room with 3 sharp sticks and 2 apples. Winner take all. How does this encourage people to attend shows? I have no idea. But it’s fun to watch. Madness is a much less violent and apple infused evening of audience participation and wild unbridled theatre hijinks. And it’s free.
Sunday, 3
AKC Dog Show, Linn County Fair and Expo, 3700 Knox Butte Rd E, Albany 8 a.m. Free (parking $5)
I went to this last year and I really enjoyed the sh*t out of it. Dog agility shows are legitimately better than almost any other live event, up to and including your wedding. So go to this free event and marvel at the magic. It’s also a great place to pick up freeze dried turkey hearts on the cheap, which my dog loves. Because not only does my dog like to angrily scarf the hearts of poultry, but he likes to see me save a little coin while he’s doing it. He’s a real considerate boarded that way. In another, much more annoying way, he’s less considerate… I’m of course referring to when he sh*ts and pukes all over the living room.


Take Up Space, Arts Center, 700 SW Madison Ave. 3 p.m. Free
This is Corvallis DIY’s gift to the city; a day of punking around together with the other counterculture contras at the Arts Center. Bands will play, badges will be sold, as will bootleg VHS videos of G.G. Allin playing live, if my memory of such events serves. Though I guess it is possible this event is not taking place in 1998, and will thus be very different. It sounds a lot like you’ll be forced to attend this party in person and not rely on my tortured, dated, unnecessarily reference-heavy comedy to give youy an accurate picture of what this event will be like. I can tell you it’s free. I think.


Monday, 4
Bryson Skaar, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7 p.m. Free
Bryson Skaar, is the Cal Ripken, Jr. of playing free jazz piano at the ‘Gine. By which I mean he’s an underrated batter and a defensive beast. Oh and he never misses a day of work. Actually I guess I should have lead with that… But seriously, it’s Monday night, and the ‘Gine is just sitting there; open, pliant, willful. And all it makes Bryson want to do is… wonder aloud how it’s possible there was never a single Cal Ripken, Jr. reference in 5 seasons of The Wire? I mean, that’s just ape-sh*t, right? If I make a seminal HBO drama about life on the streets of Cleveland, you can bet your sweet bippy I’m going to reference Kenny Lofton and Carlos Baerga with frequency.

Distinguished Lecture Series: Shirley Malcom, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 4:30 p.m. Free
This lecture series is pretttty darn distinguished. If you were in the unenviable position of having to identify which lecture series had physically assaulted you, and you were staring at a lineup of lecture series in the poorly lit basement of a rundown police precinct, you’d still be able to instantly identify this one. Because it’s hella-distinguished. Shirley Malcom is the speaker this time, and the good news: she’s clearly a big deal, as she has her Wikipedia page. Thye bad news: even after reading her Wikipedia page I have no idea what she does, sho she is, or what the hell she’s going to be talking about. But again you should note this is probably the most distinguished thing you can do in town on a Monday afternoon, for free.


Tuesday, 5
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
Noir returns to the Darkside with Anthony Mann’s forgotten classic, T-Men (1947). It’s a nail-biting potboiler about a team of treasury agents hot in pursuit of a crew of counterfeiters. Beautiful cinematography and crisp direction power this stunner starring Dennis O’Keefe. As always, this is a free screening, and it is superior to all other screenings (which suddenly seem so popular in town, cough cough). If you don’t go to this, we’re straight up not best friends anymore. And that’s a fact.


OSU Event & Travel Planners Trade Show, CH2M Hill Alumni Center, 875 SW 26th St. 10:30 a.m. Free
This is the kind of event that I tend to think would be perfect, not only for peo[ple who actually work in the industry, but more for people who don’t. I literally cannot think of a better Tuesday than playing hooky from my real job, showing up to this event to partake of the undoubtedly robust samples that will be handed out, while practicing my flim-flam routine that features me playing Auguste Denver, a party planner from Boulder, CO who knows how to stretch a dollar on a classy affair for the clientele. Soooo… if you meet an Auguste Denver at this thing, it’s probably a real guy and not me playing a role. Also, I will be legitimately sick and missing work on Tuesday, not playing hooky… okay boss?

Wednesday, 6
2016 Authors Lectures: Wayne Harrison, Grass Roots Books, 227 SW 2nd St. 6 p.m. Free
Wayne Harrison is a professor at OSU and a crackerjack novelist to boot. He’s going to be signing copies of his successful book, The Spark and the Drive, and talking about interesting things like Oregon, writing, and sharing a name with multiple hall-of-fame English soccer players. If you miss this unique chance to talk to the author and hear interesting stories, I’m sure he doesn’t mind if you just swing by his office with a latte (for yourself) and list of requests. I’m not his agent or anything, but from my personal experience with creative types, they love that sort of thing.


The Day the Earth Stood Still, Whiteside Theatre, 361 SW Madison Ave. 7 p.m. $5
Klaatu! Barada! Ni-hmph-ghkt-snurb… If you know that reference, than you already probably knew this is the film the sacred words originated from. And you probably also know it’s a sci-fi classic of epic world destroying proportions. And by this point you also know that there’s almost never anything better to do on a Wednesday than to catch a classic on the big screen. So go. It won’t hurt my feelings.

Thursday, 7
They Came From Somewhere, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7 p.m. $12-$14
This incredibly fun looking play from the Santiam Christian players is primed to explode at the Majestic. Sorry about that heated description, but I thought it might be fun to use TMZ-ian Twitter inspired marketing speak to describe this play about the effects of an alien invasion on a small Texas town. It’s slam-bam fleeked up comedy about fish out of water when these Texans meet New Yorkers and really think they’re out of this world. Or something like that. I could legitimately write a 6 part adolescent aimed sci-fi novella series using only that type of nonsense. And they’d definitely make a movie franchise out of it.

Free Range Open Mic Night, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
The Open Mics don’t get any freer than this location switching weekly jam. Come bring your six string and your songs about getting dumped and prove to everyone that you have what it takes. Alternatively you could try and bust out a solo a capella thing here and see how that goes over. I’m thinking “not well,” but you shouldn’t really use me as a metric. The first time someone played some Adele for me, I was all, “Yeah I guess that’s pretty good, it’s just- BOOOOOOOOO!” I’m what you might call, “a bit of a douche.”