As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolPierce Vs. Brown Vs. Maul
Gubernatorial candidates Bud Pierce and Kate Brown faced off in a fierce first debate and argued about some totally great stuff, not the least of which was Measure 97. Coming just after the historic Measure 96, the measure contains some stuff that’ll have a huge impact on some other stuff. Expectantly, each candidate felt very differently from one another, launching some statements that were in direct contradiction. The one on the left-ish side was like “Spend! Education and kids!” and the other one, more to the right side, was like “Darth Maul will one day return and cleave one half of your body from the other, because don’t spend.”

Personally I’d really like to see Maul again, but perhaps in a less tormented form. Perhaps as a child, playing amongst the… er, rocks, of Dathromir. Long before reaching the age where the icy fingers of the Sith reached down and… so like, when he was two. This isn’t working out; guy had a hard life, not suitable for a flashback. Let’s try something else.

So Brown and Pierce, they… sound totally boring next to Darth Maul. Next topic I guess.

Houston Dynamo Trounces Portland Timbers, But…
Some dude named Mauro Manotas (an arguably incredible name) pulled off a hat trick, or for you less ‘cool’ people, three points in a single game against the Portland Timbers. This effectively whipped their as* (again with the asterisk), 3-1. While the Dynamo is surely still jumping for joy, or getting ready to explode – I can’t really tell from this photo I’m looking at – it is of no consequence.

The Timbers scored once, which means that their mascot, Timber Joey, at some point, yanked on his trusty chainsaw and ripped through an evil log like a hot knife through cold, sexy butter. Who is cool now, Houston? That’s why you have a rad mascot instead of some crappy Star Fox ripoff like Diesel the Douchebag. Maybe if they wise up one day they’ll get some dude or lady in a Texas Ranger outfit round-housing soccer balls.

Also, Southern Utah beat Portland State. I have nothing funny to say about that, though. Except for: “Utah.”

Double also, I’m seeing a ton of other sports results now. Good lord, stop playing games. I don’t have time for you all, and some of you are bound to feel left out. I don’t want that kind of pressure.

Oregon Public Broadcasting (OPB) Makes it Official
The days of wine and roses are over: The Megaquake coverage is gone. Replaced by a trifecta of oil train crash, lead in water, and toxic air, one can only wonder how long these new giants of Semi-Permanent Coverage will last. I’m guessing about eight months or so. No thought to it, just feeling a bit sporting. Trying to live on the edge a bit. Might purchase some expensive sunglasses and a sports car in an unusual color. Might wear really nice dress shirts, marry a crazy wife that uncomfortably stays crazy as we age a bit… now I want a divorce damnit, because she’s always wearing veils and bringing over her weird friends that look like the cast of Beetlejuice, and they’re spilling wine and crackers and sh*t all over the kitchen island and all I want is a Budweiser and some peace and g*ddamn quiet moment to watch the game.

January 1, 1990 – the day the 80s died.

Also, this is what happens when I’m forced to write with a fever.

Double also again, this: [self-censored, under the assumption that Publishing will not let me draw a penis with my keyboard characters].

Speaking Of…
…a couple of “meh” earthquakes jiggled the southern coast of Oregon last weekend according to some fancy pants “U.S. Geological Survey,” whatever that is. One was a 4.6, deep on the ocean floor 100 miles out from Brookings, and the other was a 5.0, occurring about 100 miles off the shore of Gold Beach. There was some amount of time differential, but if you want that kind of snap information, you’d better pick up a New York Times.

The biggest bit of sensationalism I could locate was an errant “rattled,” and that may have been accurate. Had these little succkers went for the gold they might have saved the reign of the OPB Megaquake article, but oh well.

By Johnny Beaver