People of Corvallis

“When I’m not cycling, well, I’m always on the move, so I’d say I’m in my Prius. Hah hah. Sometimes I like to pull up next to gas-guzzling SUVs and just burn rubber all the way to the next light. Sure, there’s an air of hypocrisy to the fact that I’m destroying the gas mileage I bought this car to achieve, but seriously, honey, I’m not the only ‘progressive’ in this town who’s just a closeted social conservative. Perhaps I’m just the most self-aware.”

–Brandon Moore

“Hello, thurr. Wembles the cat, or as some know me, Wembles the Hut. I’ve lived in Corvallis for a few years now and have to say, I love it. I have only tumbled my fat ass down the stairs a half dozen times, the water and food arrive shortly after I start panicking and making an insane amount of noise, and I have yet to be brutally ended via contact with a speeding car tire. Although if you asked my friends, they’d say the car is the one that has gotten off lucky. Occasionally this one blue bird comes down to tear up my parents’ garden and I stare at him really hard until he takes a sh*t, leaves, or both. A job well done. This city has really allowed me to expand, both in my professional skill set and my waistline. What’s not to love?”

–Wembley-Don Von Lipschitz, Not a Human

“I’ve always wanted to be gluten intolerant, I guess that has been my biggest dream. I moved here to Corvallis because I heard there was a big movement, and boy was there ever. All 20 of us get together on weekends and share tales of fighting back. Just last week, Sally… oh, I shouldn’t use her last name? Right. So Sally was telling me about how she brought a Mizuno 9 iron into Winco and just beat the dirt out of a bunch of loaves of bread. So inspiring! Sometimes we take day trips out to Philomath and run over bags of hamburger buns in the Safeway parking lot. And just last week I put a vagrant in the hospital with my bare hands after he asked me if I had any spare change. Lord knows he was going to buy some sort of grain liquor with just under 20 parts per million of gluten protein left over after distillation!”

–Audra Spencer, Sociopath

“Go away.”

–Johnny Beaver, Corvallis Advocate Associate Editor

“I’ve always sort of lived my life off the beaten path. Specifically, I’ve been obsessed with filling my armpits with peanut butter while walking around in a town that thought it was a metropolis because of the university it constantly complains about. Thanks to this lovely little burg, I’m currently taking my 2,617th peanut butter stroll, and I don’t plan on quitting anytime soon!”

–Meghan Burkhart

“Hashtag YOLOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

–Four members of the Oh Em Gee frat

By Mike Hunt