Linn-Benton Backwash: Albany Takes a Vacation

linnbentonbackwash1People in Corvallis have become just too damn nervous about criminals to visit many of the city parks. Between turds lying about, used needles protruding from the turf, people selling their rap albums on CD-Rs and those who eat GMOs and/or have bank account balances under $1,000, it has become a slum worse than Detroit’s West Chicago and Livernois. Thanks to a new police initiative to patrol these areas, though, citizens will soon be able to rest easy knowing that they won’t step in someone’s digested dumpster-burger while enjoying the riverfront.

Corvallis makes an attempt at interesting crime with the recent theft of a $1 bill off of someone’s kitchen counter (no forced entry was found), as well as an assault where some woman punched through a pane of glass trying to hit someone in the face. The glass ended up causing the target to require stitches. Aaaaand… that’s all there is to that.

Albany’s news was horribly boring this week, so they’ll be getting no Christmas presents from me this year. There was something about a restaurant opening, I think. Wowaweewaa. Definitely disrespectful towards this column.

The Lebanon Express sinks to new lows in its most current attempt at reminding the general public that there is a medical school in town: profiling a random student. Next week, they’ll do a review of the campus vending machines and floor mat textures.

 The Lebanon Log: On Aug. 6 a barbecue and other items were stolen from someone’s front porch… that’s where I grill, too. Between the hours of 8 and 11 a.m. on that same day, a gun, a flat bed trailer, a backpack, a bike, and a wallet were stolen from different locations. And in honor of those that throw tantrums every week about this alleged “abuse” of Lebanon… may you find your car blocked by a turkey while a parole violator whacks off in your tool shed.

By Johnny Beaver