Linn-Benton Backwash: Ages and Stages Edition

linnbentonbackwash1Local Corvallis media reports heavily on a new line of local “man purses” that seek to make it OK for guys to carry bags. Apparently nobody involved has realized that it has been pretty socially acceptable for at least a decade, having been pushed forth by the neo-hipster and metrosexual movements.

The Oregon Jamboree kicked off in Sweet Home last Thursday with its fifth annual parking lot party. Believe it or not, nobody was robbed, stabbed, or carted out by police to the drunk tank.

Three Albany teenagers learned an important lesson last week: if you’re going to rob a Circle K, don’t hire a drunk kid as the getaway driver. Idiot crashed into some parked trucks during their great escape. Can we say “lol?”

On July 25, an 81-year-old Albany woman crashed her car into her house. Nothing too exciting there, I just really like this one because some kid drove his car through my entryway once.

In Lebanon, a 71-year-old woman tried to strangle her 91-year-old husband to death, failing most likely because she is a 71-year-old woman. The man, suffering from dementia, was apparently complaining about some old events. Now under the care of his grandson, I hope they throw the book at this old hag and knock her block off.

The Lebanon Log: On July 17 a drunk guy was ejected from the Pirate Festival, after which he snuck back in—the cops eventually got him and… gave him a courtesy ride to Walmart. On July 18 some people were caught taking items out of the Goodwill truck (why not, Goodwill are thieves anyway). On July 20 someone in a pirate outfit stole a stove, a T-shirt, and a Crock-Pot from Walmart. On July 22, a man was dancing and doing karate in Ralston Park.

And last but not least, some inbred stain shot a cat with a BB gun on July 22.

By Johnny Beaver