Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwashFarmers, armchair scientists, other farmers, unapologetic hypocrites, Wikipedia scholars, college students that look like they get dressed in the dark, as well as other undesirables in Benton County will soon be receiving their ballots for the May 19 special election. Stools will be loosened in this white-knuckled race to either embrace or slap down Measure 2-89. The stakes? A possible GMO ban in the county. Oh hell yeah. It’s time to test our mettle in the age of the mal-informed.

A Corvallis school bus missed a few stops last week, stranding children for under an hour. Cheldelin Middle School went into Mauve Alert Mode and sent out automated phone messages to parents with children on that particular route if their kids were absent. All kids on the maligned route eventually made it to school. This is the most horribly square, boring story I’ve ever had anything to do with in this town. Back in my day, if the bus was 15 minutes late, that meant you go home and cartoon it up. These kids are losers.

Lebanon’s iconic Redbead restaurant has been demolished to make way for a disgustingly named Human Bean coffee joint. I mean seriously, the “human bean?” Good God, people. The community is worried, however, about where all the meth-heads will go to take off their shirts and do parking lot Kung Fu now.

State Representative Sherrie Sprenger of Scio has put forth a bill designed to block the state board of educators from making mascot rules. Yep, in direct opposition to everyone that wants to ban what amounts to blatantly racist team names.

 The Lebanon Log, April 21: A man jumped out of a van and yelled, “$20 bucks, baby!” in front of a house (and this was reported to the police for some reason), a woman reported an opossum in her garage and wanted to shoot it with a BB gun instead of calling animal control (so the police came and removed it), a man failed to steal items from a mini mart, and a man who did not fail managed to get Rockstar drinks, candies, and cookies from Wal-Mart… before he escaped on foot through nearby blackberry brambles.

By Johnny Beaver