Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1Corvallis High School suffered a bitter, crushing, soul-destroying defeat to Churchill in some kind of event where they were throwing a ball around. Perhaps if the players had spent less time on their academics and more time learning to maneuver said ball, this embarrassing event wouldn’t have occurred. Look at Lebanon… undefeated, and those kids are idiots. You have shamed us all.

On Sept. 11 Albany rolled out some fire trucks and hung a big flag in remembrance of the terrorist attack. Unfortunately there was no big rainbow in the sky, so the Huffington Post didn’t bother to report on it.

Only in Corvallis would a City Council meeting result in applause so disruptive that the mayor would have to reprimand the crowd… over a speech about a plan to pay people to pick up cigarette butts. Maybe they were just happy to get a break from banter about the homeless. (Probably not, some people live for that stuff.)

The city of Lebanon is planning a Teen Book Club at the library. Now to try to find some Lebanon teens that can read. In the meantime, the City Council has voted to ban recreational marijuana “operations,” though voters will have the final say. Let’s see if I can translate this into a coherent, if not idiotic statement: “We desperately need new jobs, but we want to reject our best chance at them. We have a major existing problem with meth and other hard drugs, but are afraid of the influence marijuana shops will bring, even though they have been shown to suppress the black market.”

 The Corvallis Log: On Sept. 10 a police report was filed after a man purchased premium, gluten-free tomatoes at the downtown farmers’ market, only later to discover that all tomatoes were gluten-free. Later that day an unnamed member of one of Corvallis’ more affluent families moved his children from one side of 2nd Street to the other after spotting a homeless man on the sidewalk; after a lengthy investigation, Corvallis police learned that it was just a hippy. On Sept. 12, a sting operation conducted at the corner of 9th Street and Van Buren Avenue resulted in over 100 traffic tickets being given out to those a*sholes that immediately (and illegally) swing out into the right lane after turning left to better position themselves to head out of town.

By Johnny Beaver