Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1Despite information gathered from Demarko Wynne and police, as well as a lack of a concluded investigation into the matter, the Corvallis Kneejerk Reaction Squad continues to define this “cop pulls gun on unarmed black man” issue via social media as either a complete outrage or completely innocent. Good to know there are still progressive thinkers around here.

Some people in Philomath are thumbing their noses after a judged tossed out second-degree criminal mischief charges against a dude for poisoning the air of his apartment complex with the smell of marijuana smoke. I should also mention that this has made national news, which… excuse me while I carve my intestines out and begin to jump rope with them.

The Harrisburg Harvest Festival has a tractor and truck pull. Wowza! Too bad you missed it, as it passed us by last Saturday. Taking into account the average age of the tractor pilots involved, it’s a miracle that nobody died of natural causes over the course of the event. Some other stuff happened, but I’ve gotten to the funny part already so… moving on.

Brownsville is so cool, I hear it all the time. “Quaint! Charming! Rustic!” Also, a Brownsville man was just sentenced to 31 years for sexually abusing three girls, one of which was under 12. It really is too bad nobody told him about sexually abusing lawnmowers. Or cactus… I heard they’re getting popular.

Lebanon’s news sources continue the trend of “MEDICAL CENTER SO SHINY!!!!” news sitting atop a bunch of drug busts and violent crimes, just like a cherry on a sundae made of… drug busts and violent crimes. And poop, I guess.

 The Lebanon Log: On Aug. 24 some idiot was literally stomping on a cat in the road that had been “hit by a car,” but when police arrived the cat was able to stand up and walk away and… I just don’t know what to say about that. Aug. 25 saw two different cars get a window bashed out by a rock (Same rock? We may never know). On Aug. 26 an eight-year-old liberated a steel pipe from a construction yard and used it to beat on a wooden pole in Ralston Park before the local pokey stopped him. And finally on Aug. 27 someone broke into a garage and stole some old pizza, because Lebanon.

By Johnny Beaver