Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1Cougars are nature’s most hideous, vicious predators. They will eat your children, drink your blood, and take a dump in your toilet without flushing. A recent “viral” photo of a cougar moseying along out in the open by Corvallisites Kevin Kenaga and Faye Yoshihara has reminded citizens to be mindful of their surroundings, respectful of nature, and above all else… to remember to wear their chastity belts, because cougars will totally %$#@! you.

The Corvallis Planning Commission has green-lit a new shopping center on 9th Street. Early plans seem to indicate fast food restaurant presence. “Yay,” said one anonymous citizen that lives along 9th. “That’s just what we &*$%@ need.”

Two bodies have been found near the Costco in Albany in just over a week. Looks like I’ll be shopping at Winco for a while, just in case.

An Albany man was subdued by police after he was found punching a Postal Service vehicle repeatedly (while a postal dude/dudette was inside), shouting about how he didn’t like the government. The man bit a postal supervisor when several of them tried to end his punch-whirlwind attack.

Lebanon Feats of Strength, Aug. 2:
A man rode a skateboard
across the Lebanon High School football field… wowza. I can’t even ride one of those on pavement.

A woman was busted with heroin outside of the Game Time sports bar. Again, I can barely do heroin on its own… heroin and booze… at the same time?

Several kids were caught climbing a pole to get on top of the Green Acres School. Just like that, straight up a goddamn pole. Those kids are hardcore.

By Johnny Beaver