Hard Truths: Things, They Happen

HardTruths_7_2_15Marriage Equality Achieved

Now let the madness begin.

Last week, in a monumental decision that will likely rank up there with Roe vs. Wade among the titans of decisions people retroactively blame for the fall of Western civilization, the Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional for any state to not recognize an otherwise lawful union between two people of the same sex.

I’m mostly pleased about the whole thing, because I don’t see a single thing wrong with a same-sex couple. And if they want to be married, I think they should go right ahead. That said, I haven’t got a clue why we still let the feds have a say about marriage at all, and this case will simply ensure we continue to let that happen for a long time to come. But to be perfectly clear, I think homosexual couples should have all of the same rights as heterosexual couples, including the right to a life of misery and indentured servitude.

But obviously not everyone was going to be so laissez-faire about the debate. Opponents, ranging from the frothy-mouthed and bigoted to the reasonable but disagreeing, are all throwing in their two cents and prescribing proscribing as an answer.

Governor Mike Huckabee went a step farther and is advocating civil disobedience. Which raises the question of how one civilly disobeys another person’s right. Nobody is requiring Huckabee, a private citizen, to do a single thing. Not even “accept” gay marriage. Huckabee and his ilk can feel absolutely free to continue not approving. But rest assured they won’t, and they’re going to continue shrieking about this issue until not even my pith can make it seem interesting in summary.

And in case that’s not obnoxious enough for you, if I see another one of my Facebook friends letting the world know they were “on the right side of history” via emotional status updates, I’m afraid I’m going to self-harm. It’s like a humblebrag, but more insulting because it’s actually a serious topic that matters.

Stop patting yourselves on the back for being so tolerant. It’s not a good look, and it doesn’t come off half as sincere as you think it does by the time you’re posting your seventh status update about how beautiful Justice Kennedy’s majority opinion in the case was.

How about we make a grand compromise: If Huckabee can stop crying about gay marriage every three seconds, I’ll see what I can do to get all of my friends to stop clamoring to show off their gay-friendly bona fides on Facebook.

How Has This Never Happened Before?
A jury in Fairfax, Virginia, awarded a guy $500,000 after he sued the anesthesiologist who put him under for a surgery. The surgery must have gone horribly wrong, you’re probably thinking to yourself. What did they do? Attach a third arm? Damage a second kidney? Remove a first penis?

No, what they did that was worth a half a goddamn million dollars to a jury was make fun of him while he was under.


The procedure came off without a hitch, but the patient had his iPhone recording sound from inside his pocket, and when he listened to it later, he heard the doctors having a grand old time at his expense.

And this is worth $500,000 dollars?

Does everybody not have a job? Are we not all well-aware of what is said about the client when their back is turned, when they’re on hold, when they’re in the bathroom, or yes, even when they’re under anesthesia? It is universal across all fields. Yes, we have to serve you, but no, we don’t have to like you, to quote Kevin Smith.

I already assumed doctors did this when we weren’t looking, and figured everyone else did, too.  They’re humans, and they don’t like you nearly as much as they pretend to. If that’s worth $500,000 in this day and age, I don’t know what to say.

The worst part is that they awarded the money under the premise that the cruel jokes constituted slander, even though he would have never known about them if he hadn’t recorded them, and nobody else would either. That’s right, in an ironic twist, the only reason we know what the doctors thought of him is because he brought it to the world’s attention.

Which is also not to say the doctors deserve no disdain. They’re obviously unprofessional and deserve to lose business for such sloppiness, but a half a million dollars? Don’t let anyone ever tell you the truth is easy.

By Sidney Reilly