Gluten-Free Can Kill You

Anadama_bread_(1)You may have thought that gluten is unhealthy because you read it on a website somewhere, but new research says not so fast. Here are the findings: if you haven’t been diagnosed with celiac disease, or anything real, but your allergist says you’re a little bit sensitive, your gluten-free lifestyle can kill you, and even those around you.

Across the country, non-celiac diagnosed patients’ adherence to a gluten-free diet is gaining popularity at a rapid rate, but not without dire consequences. Not only are these dieters inducing eye-rolls from waitstaff and frenemies at restaurants, but a new study shows a darker picture. A study conducted by scientists at Columbia University (that’s in New York, so you know it’s serious) found that when someone makes a stink at a restaurant, grocery store, or party, their body chemistry changes and they emit a subtle but noxious substance (which is totally not farts because they’re talking out of their ass—get serious, people!).

This substance induces not only continuous eye-rolling from the people around them, but over time, it affects the very body you’re trying hard(ish) to protect. The brain begins to break down, skin starts to slough off, and the heart slows and eventually stops beating. This happens to everyone exposed, but is worse on the non-celiac gluten-free lifestyle person. It’s an unfortunate time, when trying to be healthy actually kills you. So essentially, have a bagel and enjoy your life. Eating gluten won’t kill you, but not eating it might.

By Rachel Sandstrom