The tool bag that robbed the Corvallis Adult Shop, Donald Martel Logan, was caught and charged with some sweet-sounding crimes. Though I tried to contact him telepathically to confirm his theft of a rubber ass or two, I was unable to get through due to electromagnetic interference.
The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks is selling its building in Lebanon, which has this reporter feeling nostalgic. Three of my most shining moments were spent there: I won a UB40 tape in a dance contest when I was a 3rd grader, I was a dude with no nose, and I threw up on a long flight of stairs while trying to crawl up to a bathroom after consuming about 16 cocktails.
A man in Albany became the 174,112th person to accidentally shoot a gun while cleaning it. Authorities are investigating the possibility that the whole cleaning thing may be a lie. Another guy in Albany did it earlier in the week, making him the 174,111th.