As the State Turns: The Oh Just Read It Already Edition

stateturnssymbolMore Drought News… Hoorah!
I called this out like two months ago, just ask my wife. I said, “Dude, we’re going to break all sorts of records this summer.” She said, “Seems like it,” but I was suspicious. To this day I think she is a dissenter, but hell, if she’ll back me up, then… Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah: it’s been hot as a biscuit on a griddle or something. Northwest rivers are running at extremely low levels, and all of those jerks in Portland are gulping them down like they’re going out of style. Just ask the dude or dudette that set the stage for tapping the city’s secondary water source in order to add 20 to 30% to the main reservoirs. Seattle did some cool stuff, too, but we don’t care about them.

You know what’s really going to suck, thought? August—a traditionally dry month sitting pretty as summer’s anchor. Many are predicting that emergency supplies will be tapped before the rains of fall spill over the Northwest. There is also a lot of worry that, because supplies are so depleted, the wetter part of the year won’t fully replenish them before another summer hits. We’re all going to die!

Portland Record Co. Loves Them Some B*tches
M’Lady Records of Portland has just introduced a new policy: women only have to pay 77% on all mail orders. This is a direct response to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics having found that women make only about $0.77 to every man’s earned dollar.

Unlike other companies that have done something similar, M’Lady’s policy will still be in effect until the situation for women improves, or the building burns down. Highly feminist (as am I… the subhead up there? I didn’t say I was lacking a sense of humor), M’Lady wants to leave a mark on the equatorial circumstance in this country.

We should all feel proud (you know, that deadly sin) that we live in a state that continues to foster these sort of community-oriented decisions.

Hillary to Raise Money in Portland
That’s right folks, our very own ex-first lady is coming tooo… to… toooo… ::snores::

U.S. Bureau of Land Management Says ‘No’ to Horse Sex
The U.S. Bureau of Land Management is tossing on its lab coat soon in an attempt to cook up a way to prevent western lands from being overrun with horses. It is expected to cost a paltry $11 million and focus on contraceptives for mares. Also, I heard they were going to poke a few burros with a stick. Search “burro” on Google Images and you’ll immediately understand why someone might do just that.

Currently there are 58,000 wild horses and ::shivers:: burros in the western part of the United States. I’d tell you what it was just a few years ago, but I’m afraid it would force you to picture about 20,000 horses and burros just going at it. All up in the range, on rocks, in trees and streams. Ugh, God. No.

Boatpocalypse: Newport
A fishing boat decided to give land-boating a go, instead breaking up on a jetty in Newport. Eighty gallons of diesel fuel spilled out into the ocean, which I’m sure all manner of sea life just ADORED. According to officials, the only person on board was the captain.

That fool is currently being investigated. If things go as I believe they will, the only thing he’ll be captaining for a long time is one of his brown submarines in the bathtub.

Earthfix, You Fools?
Oregon’s Earthfix magazine has released an article about “busting stereotypes that black people don’t camp or hike.” This is the most recent in a long line of articles from the likes of The New York Times and others, discussing why more white people camp and do outdoor activities. Statistically it is true, but what is often overlooked is this: 77.7% of everyone in the country is white. Camping for whites in the U.S. reaches back at least to 1861 with Gunnery Camp in Washington, and during the more recent years many blacks and other minorities either were unable to go camping, or were highly excluded (i.e. it’s not a part of their culture).

I get that this is a hot topic, and that many media outlets have no self-respect, but the answer to the question is quite obvious. Earthfix gets a lot right, but doesn’t “bust” anything simply because they discuss a group called Outdoor Afro, which organizes camping, biking, hiking, and more for African-Americans. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that a bit of seemingly innocuous hyperbole like this is actually really damaging to a world already flooded with stereotypes that need to be acknowledged and dissected and dismissed rather than conflagrated. I’m white and I *despise* camping; did I just bust a stereotype?

 Either way, this issue has potential for finding new footing for yourself in terms of how you treat stereotypes. Check out the following link for a copy of the original:

By Johnny Beaver