As the State Turns: The Lazy Reader’s Pot Primer

stateturnssymbolNo, you do not have to read the rest of this newspaper
Pot, pot, pot. Yes, as of yesterday, you can do a whole bunch of stuff with pot that you couldn’t legally do before: such as smoke it. In fact, legal consultants are even suggesting that you can bake yourself some delicious pot-fudge brownies, plop your a*s on the couch and freak out to Princess Mononoke on Blu-ray, complete with a 36.7% reduced fear of SWAT swinging through your windows on black tactical ropes, Uzis primed.

Whew, that was intense. Anyway, you still have to use your dispensary stash (in which case this was already possibly legal) or your shady drug dealer to get “hooked up” (my sources tell me this is what the kids say). Believe it or not, if someone has a medical marijuana card, it will be totally legal for them to shower you with their weed as a gift. Too bad the same thing can’t be said for Ambien, as I can’t afford insurance and don’t sleep worth a sh*t.

The Oregon Liquor Control Commission is taking their sweet a*s time hammering out the rules that will allow businesses to get licensed for dope sales, but the Jan. 4 cutoff for them to have gotten things in gear may be getting swept back. A joint government-folk committee is trying to get pot on retail shelves as early as the first of October.

But what if you really like road trips and just really need some pot… can you go to Washington, pick up an ounce, and then head on back to Corvallis? Yes and no. It’s federally illegal to cross state lines with it—even if you park, get out, and throw it over the state line, then drive across and pick it up. Even if someone else throws it over and you pick it up. However, Portland police have made it pretty clear that they don’t care. So basically nothing new there.

Honestly though, folks, be careful. Please review the following list to be sure you don’t step outside of the law.

1. Don’t smoke pot and try to ride your dog—you will smoosh it. Yes, even if it is a big one. Burying a dog while stoned is a real downer.

2. Don’t smoke pot and try to do a jumping double-kick at 3 a.m., hitting two of your neighbors’ doors on either side of the hallway at once. You can pull your groin. It’s not worth it.

3. Don’t smoke pot and start running and giggling in a group. Each running and giggling person will perpetuate the others, and despite the fact that nobody involved has any idea what the hell is going on, it will continue for some time.

4. Don’t smoke pot and convince yourself that the Universe only exists within your field of vision, because you’ll feel like you’re slipping out of existence. Not cool, bro.

Supreme Court: Go Go Gadget, Gay Marriage
As you have undoubtedly heard, the U.S. Supreme Court defied all logic and made a logical, human, caring move in their decision to strike down gay marriage bans. What has this changed specifically for Oregonians?

Well… not a whole hell of a lot, considering we were already recognizing gay marriages. Because we’re awesome.

The Most Boring Naked Bike Ride Ever
Ten thousand people took to Portland streets once again, dingle-dongs flapping in the breeze, boobies fhwumpin’ back and forth amidst the sounds of bicycle tires rubbing on pavements and random dudes saying, “Hey, bro, pass me that joint.” All from within the friendly confines of bicycles helmets and proper footwear, of course.

Unfortunately no major crashes or naked fistfights occurred, and there were a distinct lack of 911 calls to help rescue wing-dang-doodles from bicycle chains. Only a bunch of people quoting “body positivity” as their reason for showing up, because they had read some sweet Meghan Trainor lyrics and somehow missed all of the hypocrisy.

All in all pretty damn lame, but still more entertaining than most of the bureaucracy that greases the gears of our fair state, so quit your complaining.

Oregon Salmon Bitching About Water Temperature
Salmon, they’re picky. They like water to be about 68 degrees. In fact, they like it so much, that with all of this heat raising river temperatures, the salmon have decided, screw it, we’re going to just die.

Caused by the double whammy of nasty, putrid heat and low water flow due to teensy snowpacks, these whiny fish are throwing in the towel early like a bunch of sissies. Though the full impact can only be guessed at, most experts say that this is likely to affect everything from yummy fish dinners to spawning, the number of fish people can impale on hooks to the number of fish jumping into canoes and scaring the crap out of people before they’re beaten to death with oars.

In the meantime, scientists of ill repute are fiddling around with reservoirs and whatnot to try to keep the temperature down and the sweet, pink flesh flowing.

By Johnny Beaver

(Thanks for giving up all our plot twists early, Beaver, I’ll get you for this. ~Ed)