As the State Turns: The Dammit Oregon, You’re Doing It Wrong Satire Challenge

stateturnssymbolHitler vs. the Portland Housing Bureau
Contrary to popular belief, “the buying and renovation of houses and stores in deteriorated urban neighborhoods by upper- or middle-income families or individuals, thus improving property values but often displacing low-income families and small businesses” is not a good thing. It’s called gentrification, which is basically how rich people go about getting richer—all while squeezing the poor, minorities, and the elderly out of the community.

Yes, that sounds like some Hitler sh*t.

But thankfully, the Portland Housing Bureau are the fiercest Nazi killers around. Last week they unraveled the first of a long line of initiatives designed to kick the gentrification of northeast and north Portland directly in their respective gonad zones. The immediate expansion of a home repair program will significantly lessen the burden on some lower income homeowners by offering no-interest loans of up to $40,000. Ugh… if only they could get into the student loan business.

A meeting was held last week that was attended by over 75 people. Amongst them was a retiree who was physically disabled due to hip problems. He was interested in assistance repairing his water heater and chimney. That’s right, rich folk: poor people need help even when it doesn’t involve blowing it on drugs, booze, child support payments, and McDonald’s. Go figure!

The program itself is part of Mayor Charlie Hales’ strategy for affordable housing in north Portland, which sings to the tune of $20 million funding-wise. Come on, you cheap bastard, loosen up those purse strings!

While some future plans have already been laid out, others have not. And though we know that ideas and reality often fail to meet, everyone but the SS can probably agree that we need more initiatives like this on the street than we currently have.

The number of Oregon counties that have declared a drought emergency has now expanded to 19. These declarations allow the state to add priority levels to water usage, and to divert federal aid to where it may be needed. Also, it allows them to completely ruin any and all global warming jokes I was about to tell.

For the 7,292,476th day in a row, Oregon Public Broadcasting has listed the same tired “MEGAQUAKE” piece as their featured article. Is there nothing else interesting going on? I just saw a shirtless man riding a unicycle on Pacific in Albany, so that’s it. There’s no excuse.

Washington just received a five-year grant towards Ebola-preparedness for the Pacific Northwest. Reason: Good lord, are we all doomed or what? The federales are giving our enemies to the north $4.6 million to test a biological superweapon on us. I’ll have to start working on my strain of Epic Deluxe Pink Eye to combat them. Don’t worry, fellow Oregonians, I’ve got your back.

The Oregon Lottery Syndicate is in the midst of replacing 12,000 gamblin’ machines in the state. The new machines have been described by onlookers as “shiny,” while players have described them as “god dammit, this **%@! thing just took my money again.”

The Oregon Bureau of Land Management has a smile on its face after a court threw out a lawsuit slapped on them by timber companies. The companies were arguing that they weren’t being offered enough logs or wood or something, and the state was like derp! I believe owls were mentioned and some environmental groups cheered metaphorically. And… did you just fall asleep on me? Don’t do that. You’re in public.

Oregon Upsets Corvallis Satire Writer
The reason I have the most widely read column in the continental United States is simple: I collect bad and stupid news… then I say hey, this news is bad and/or stupid. And then you, the reader, are all like, “Yeah!” Everybody wins. I’m in the business of smiles, grins, and general poppycock.

But then this LGBT crowd comes along and creates the Pride Northwest Festival, which is such a fantastic display of individual rights and the true spirit of American culture that I… I can’t think of any way to make fun of it. Portland, the city where it is being held, elected the first openly gay mayor in a major US burg (Sam Adams), and the city council dropped a unanimous decision in 2011 to alter its city health insurance policy to include those who are transgender. And then there’s Kate Brown, the current governor and first one to be publicly recognized as LGBT.

In a world where injustice is pretty much the universal currency, you buttholes aren’t giving me much room for comedy.

In fact, I’m feeling a bit proud of where I live.

By Johnny Beaver