As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolThe Shooting
Consider this acknowledgment of our recent tragedy, and the fact that I’m not going to go on about it, a sign of respect for everyone that’s hurting.

Eugene’s Party Patrol
The last time I went patrolling parties in Eugene, I ended up on top of the Hult Center with someone else’s pants around my ankles, a splitting headache, two packs of Pop Rocks, and an alligator. Okay, I lied about the alligator… but we’re not here to talk about how cool I am, we’re here to talk about the real Party Patrol. The legit Patrons of Turning That Sh*t Down… the Eugene Police Department.

Can you believe it? For the 100th year in a row, they cruised around last Friday night killing buzzes and busting stuff up. Fifteen minors were ticketed for possession of fun juice (I meant alcohol, you pervert), nine folks took it to the face over open container violations, and a whopping two citations were handed out for noise! Oh, and some kid got a ticket for lying to the cops, while another ate it over a fake ID.

Interestingly enough, 82.64% of all suspects questioned had man buns. But anyway, my question is… is Eugene really that lame? Only two noise violations? I usually get two of those before breakfast. Pathetic.

At least the goal of scaring kiddos into obeying the law was probably reached. That poor nerd with the fake ID probably pissed himself.

Eugene Glow Run: Disaster Waiting to Happen?
I’ll let you be the judge. So this nonprofit called Glow XC, which is associated with stuff (or so I’ve heard), is putting on this trail run… in the dark… with a bunch of glow sticks and LEDs. Yep, neon clothes and that sort of stuff, too. It’s coming next May and will be about 4.25 miles long.

Actually, on second thought, I’ll be the judge. I see nearly four and a half miles of opportunity to tumble and bruise hips, snap wrists, sprain ankles, trip over snakes and face plant, get eaten by the Blair Witch, etc. Not only will this be facilitated by the fact that you’re out running at night… but I’m pretty sure at least one a*shole is going to hide in the bushes somewhere, jump out, and go, “Boo, you bastards! Boo!”

Of course none of this will happen, because my job here at The Advocate just isn’t that easy.

Silverton Shindig: Something for Everyone
I’ve been to Silverton and enjoyed it, at least the part that didn’t feature child prostitutes on the side of the road, amidst junked out lawnmowers and other hillbilly stuff. But this Shindig of theirs, which just had its fourth anniversary… it doesn’t do what it says: have “something for everyone.”

I went and found absolutely nothing for the following:

• Booger eaters;

• Cannibals;

• The Fine Young Cannibals;

• Ghosts that can’t see through dresses;

• Monkeys of medium size and average disposition;

• Sentient cans of vegetables;

• Mokey, the lovable stuffed dog that is actually somewhat of a jerk.


But no, Silverton is alright.



By Johnny Beaver