As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolWhere There’s Smoke, There’s Air
What’s going on? Is that smoke or fog? How come I can’t see so good? Why it does smell so funny?

There may or may not be smoke anymore, but I know this article is written on Sunday… Does that mean I should just shut the hell up and roll with the continuity errors so that this important topic can still grace the “As the State Turns” section?

Ladies and gentlemen, these questions and others like them have been plaguing the fine citizens of Corvallis for far too long. Like a week, even. Here are the facts: it is smoke, it’s from fires, it’ll go away. If you have allergies, are missing a lung, or suffer from hypochondria, please stay inside and wrap your head in a wet blanket. I also heard that it helps to run head-first into a wall, but consider that optional.

This fire season is the worst since 2007, last week sporting over 40 fires across Oregon and Washington. It’s likely you’ll be experiencing these conditions again before our woefully pathetic fall and winter seasons kick in.

I’m pretty sure I heard Pat Robertson say something about God punishing Oregon for legalizing marijuana.

Mackintosh Braun: Pop… Music
Sun-Kissed Pop, effer… effervesent… effer something, brightly colored melodies and other stuff. Oregon Public Broadcasting’s opbmusic department was highly impressed, though I couldn’t take a listen because the power switch for my speakers is way over there. They’ll be playing the Tacoma Washington (traitors…) Harmon Tap Room on Sept. 5, in case you’re looking to catch a show while visiting the third world.

Feds Release Cooling Sensations for Klamath Salmon
Anyone who has kept fish can tell you: the gill-rotting disease ich is a pain in the a*s to cure, and it most certainly kills. Last week the U.S. Bureau of Reclamation started releasing clean, cool water into the Klamath River to help prevent an outbreak. In 2002, tens of thousands of adult salmon died from the disease (which is caused by a disgusting looking protozoa named Ichthyopthirius).

Much of this is in response to water conditions in California’s Klamath Basin, which are low and warm—the two conditions that best incubate ich. To simulate these conditions, get in the bathtub and pee.

For Those of You That Care…
Well, I guess some folks do. Cylvia Hayes, the fiancee of former governor John Kitzhaber, has handed over a boatload (thousands) of emails to the circuit court of Marion County. Apparently they were air dropped from an albatross in the form of a “thumb drive” (whatever that is). What’s this all about? Long story short, The Oregonian released some records, Hayes was like, “No, you can’t do this crap because I’m not a public official, yo,” a judge was involved, and bada-bing, bada-boom, air drop.

Under the judge’s orders, court monkeys will flag emails that pertain to The Oregonian’s request and… ugh, sorry, I fell asleep.

Kitzhaber bailed last February when allegations surfaced that Hayes was doing private consulting for groups looking to influence state politics. Too bad that sort of thing isn’t just illegal, eh?

Public Insight Network
My answer to this week’s PIN questions on

Do you have experience with our education system?


Have health care issues
touched your life?


PDX: New Bridge Celebration
Three entire weeks before the grand something-or-other, Portland threw a party with fireworks and stuff in celebration of the Tilikum Bridge—the longest bridge in the country that has no accommodations for cars, as well as the first bridge to be built across the Willamette River in over 40 years. It’ll come complete with cool stuff like LEDs that change color in relation to river data (brown for the no-swim parts of the years, I’m sure), and like… a totally big, flat, long surface to walk on.

Tilikum comes from the native language of Chinook wawa, and it means “people, tribes and relatives… and absolutely no goddamn cars.”

I went to get a sneak peak for all of you Corvallisites, but the Portland police caught me before I could traverse the new structure. Unfortunately I was nude during this attempt, so please stay away from Google Images for a few years, lest you find yourself strangely aroused.

By Johnny Beaver