As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolNew Whitewater Park Bends Bend Over
Congratulations, Bend-folk, or whatever the hell you’re called—next month you’ll experience the opening of a brand new whitewater park on the Deschutes River!

A nearly $10 million project, the river is going to be split into separate channels—a passage for floaters (see: not dead bodies), one for a wildlife habitat, and another for whitewater rafting folks that are just so damn sure they know what they’re doing. Right before they get rescued by some dudes in yellow hanging out of a helicopter.

Having been under construction since 2014, wizardry will be involved in terms of a waveshaper—a device that allows the Bend Park & Recreation District to control the waves in different channels of the park.

Experts estimate that it will take approximately two months to break in (i.e. fill with plastic bags and Coors cans).

OSU Studies Bugs, Forest Fires
A new study has determined that Northwestern forests that have been dined upon by nasties, such as the mountain pine beetle or the western spruce budworm, are at no higher risk for fire than any other forest. In fact, according to researchers at Oregon State University, the fact that the bugs are eating the trees actually reduces the amount of fuel a forest fire has to burn.

Ladies and gentleman, I think I need a moment to catch my breath. I’m feeling like I’m catching the vapors.

Kayaktivists Oil Protest Update
The kayakers got in their kayaks and kayaked out to the 100-yard safety zone. Oars were smacked about, rumors of a dream beat circulated, and generally nothing changed whatsoever. The protestors largely believe that there are alternative fuels not being properly researched and supported, while dangerous fossil fuel drilling continues. Perhaps there are alternative protest measures that’ll help change policy, rather than look like an episode of Hippies on Ice.

And then again, very honestly, maybe there aren’t.

Tips for Sending ‘As the State Turns’ Hate Mail
It has come to my attention that a great number of those living in Corvallis have a serious problem: sarcasm, satire, parody, or just humor in general… it’s beyond them. I find this incredibly troublesome, considering these are the means by which I exercise my trade. And honestly, without the laughs I get from some of the absolutely insane letters I get from these folks, I don’t know where I’d be in life. Good God, I might be writing for the Gazette-Times!

While we currently feel that publishing the letters we receive is in poor taste (not all of us agree on that point), it seems shameful to not offer some kind of feedback. After all, I have developed a real affinity for these buggers. And so to them I dedicate a few tips to help them hone their craft:

1. Stop signing your name to your messages. If we suddenly start printing letters to the editor, everyone will see how dumb you are. You could lose your job, your family. Your dog.

2. You know that hurdle you keep crashing into? The one where you realize this column is, for better or worse, a joke? You keep on tumbling headfirst and blind, buddy.

3. If you are indeed great affluent warriors for the greater good, set out to right all wrongs with Wikipedia and The Google, you might want to try your hand at something more meaningful… like fixing that spelling error on the menu at Starbucks.

4. My byline doesn’t say “Mr. Beaver.” Consequently, you don’t seem more intelligent or professional by calling me that in an informal email.

5. Don’t try to tell jokes. For the love of God, just don’t do it. They’re so very painful.

 6. When entering the inevitable stage where you belittle the Corvallis Advocate as a whole, putting the word paper in quotes doesn’t do much for you. Believe it or not, we get that you don’t like us. I am stung by the shame every time I lay down to sleep at night.

By Johnny Beaver