As the State Turns

Ex-Governor Kitzhaber Turned Sex Machine

Disgraced John Kitzhaber… or totally sweet, pelvic-thrusting John Kitzhaber. Hint: it’s the latter. In a surprise move that touched many with its honesty, Kitzhaber released a home video this last weekend that has both shocked and tantalized. In this home release, titled “Welcome to the Kitzadome: Pleasure Circus,” a naked and clearly digitally enhanced Kitzhaber is seen making dreams come true for state Democrats and Republications alike… often while wielding a child’s princess wand, shouting “Alakazaam!” While it was mostly fun and games, there were a few notable injuries.

First to be hauled off by EMTs were opposing forces Jeff Merkley and Monica Wehby, the former due to sciatica, and the latter because someone “accidentally” clocked her with a rubber member for having the nerve to try and repeal the Affordable Care Act during her last campaign and then immediately asking Kitzhaber to be put in charge of it afterward. While nobody seemed to catch the schlong-wielding culprit, the video clearly shows Art Robinson’s bare, pale ass scurrying beneath a coffee table just after.

Speaking of Art Robinson, he was the next casualty. His %#@! got caught in a mouse trap, and apparently the high doses of vitamin C he had ingested before traveling the sewers to Portland did nothing for it. And by it, I mean Mr. Pokey. His words, not mine. Almost immediately afterward, Betsy Close was spotted spitting out a joint just as she rode an inflatable pig into a bookshelf, knocking out a number of teeth and generally making an improvement.

In other words, business as usual aside from a few pulled porks and some lasting post traumatic stress disorder from watching a Gary Busey look-alike and former Linn County sheriff Tim Mueller breakdance on a birthday cake with his pants around his ankles. When contacted for comment, Posse Comitatus members changed their names and moved to an unnamed eastern European extremist regime, where they’d be appreciated.

Art Robinson Spotted Lurking in PDX

Former and current failure Art Robinson has apparently decided to stay in Portland for awhile in the wake of the Pleasure Circus release, though not to the pleasure of locals.

“I’m not political or anything. I mean, hell, I live in Gresham. But I don’t want to see a bro’s ass crack zipping in front of me while I’m trying to buy some Voodoo donuts,” said resident Marcus Chamberlain.

Another local, Julia Picher also expressed dissatisfaction. “Straight up, he scares the hell outta me. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m going to see him shimmying under the rug while I’m trying to run a bath. I just want him gone. Motherf*cker be all wanting to jump out of my closet and sh*t.”

Many more sightings of a shambling, Gollum-like Art Robinson on all fours have cropped up all over PDX—but some are actually embracing his presence. Take www.spotrobinson.com, for example, a blog with thousands of contributing members. Designed to keep track of Robinson’s movements via photography and GPS coordinates, the page took just a few days to hit 10 million views. In fact, one might say a “movement” is at hand, as Robinson-inspired art shows have been invading coffee shops where no one pays attention to the art all over the city.

Though a few reports of Robinson bites have filtered in, Portland police seem convinced that these are either pranks, or at the worst, isolated incidents. Still, if you’re bitten, seek immediately medical attention. If this turns out to be a werewolf sort of thing, you’re about to get real, real ugly.

Benton County to Ban… Farmers?

In a less than surprising move, some consumers of gluten-free vegan free-range organic (as certified by a number of standard-less groups) have chosen to embarrass the rest of them by forming a petition to ban farmers who have consumed GMOs themselves.

“I just don’t trust GMOs,” said Corvallis farmers’ market aficionado Lee Smith, “and if I can’t trust them, how can I trust those who have eaten them? Seriously, I don’t want some GMO roid rager f*cking with my purple corn.”

Stopped just outside of the Timberhill Athletic Club, Angie Millhouse took things a step further. “It’s simple. GMOs are bad, poor people have to eat them because they’re cheap, and poor people are gross. I want my own pure food source. I want to stuff my mouth with berries that poor people haven’t touched.”

While quite a few people have dismissed this petition as insanity and refuse to take it as a serious legislative threat, others are not so optimistic.

Chad Stevens, for example, had this closing statement to make: “Well, people are obsessed with polarizing right and wrong and don’t put much time into actually researching or trying to understand anything involved. People like that tend to support stupid legislation, and there are a lot of them even more now with Art Robinson up in Portland eating Democrats. That’s what I heard, anyway.”

By Johnny Beaver