As the State Turns & The Linn-Benton Backwash

By Johnny Beaver

2015-01-21_2250Asshats Go Medieval on Coyotes

Just when you start to settle back into the old “I love living in Oregon because it is so progressive and environmentally friendly” La-Z-Boy, some idiot in Burns has to go and let the air out of it. For the second year in a row, the Harney County Coyote Classic (a terrible name, by the way) is offering prizes to gun-wielding Oregonians that blast the most coyotes during a three-day time period.

While the event is totally legal because there are no hunting limits on the Roadrunner’s age-old nemesis, some people think a mammal demolition derby is in poor taste. But hey, look, I’m sure this isn’t merely a sporting event where a bunch of death is slung about for pure entertainment. Those gallantly taking down these vicious beasts are surely eating them to avoid appearing like total, mammoth asshats.


Ready Your Bowels: It’s Dysentery Time

While this isn’t Oregon news per se, our general culture’s obsession with faux-ownership (it was made in Minnesota, fools!) over the legendary The Oregon Trail video game has made the Internet Archive’s recent release of over 2,300 classic MS-DOS video games a hot commodity. Now adults and children alike can forge new memories or revisit the nostalgic past without having to do so with some half-assed, graphically updated turd of an iPhone app. Granted, you could always go and outside and experience the trail for yourself. Yes sir, just head on over to Lebanon to catch a real part of the trail… just at the edge of the Walmart parking lot, of course. There’s a commemorate gazebo and everything!

Admittedly, I played the crap out of this game. I rode my companions hard because I couldn’t hit squirrels worth a damn, so bare bones rations it was. Float, ford, what? When I was seven, I was sure Ford was a car, so I just chose randomly. $@!^ and %$# were always the first to die, just before Grandma and Gonad.

Good times, but there’s a lot more to see with this massive update. As great as The Oregon Trail is, classic gaming nerds will find themselves in a heaven built from Gorf, Bionic Commando, Commander Keen, and literally thousands more. Hell, even those asshats from the Coyote Classic would probably like Turkey Shoot. Nothing beats the real thing, but this is as close to home as you can get—certainly blowing past the watered-down experience of console game emulation.

Huge Nike Expansion Underway

Beaverton citizens are in for a bit of a change. Two new office buildings as well as two new parking garages have seen their construction get underway as part of Nike’s most recent World Headquarters expansion. The project is going to likely cost over $150 million, promising to add thousands of new employees. The new buildings will have over 1.3 million square feet and play host to about 2,500 vehicles. As a result, new apartments and schools are starting to spring up as well.

This all comes as the result of a 2012 special session of the Oregon Legislature—a deal struck sees the state government only taxing Nike products sold in Oregon. One part of the initial promise was that Nike would add 500 full-time employees—they’ve since added 2,000.

Perhaps the most exciting part of this expansion will come at the end of February, at which time Beaverton will secede from the union, tattoo their children’s foreheads with the Swoosh and then send them to the Adidas headquarters in Herzogenaurach, Germany armed with Soviet-era Kalashnikovs.

2014: Hottest Year on Record

So far, the 21st century has been a pain in the ass—sometimes quite literally, depending on how often you… oh, nevermind that. Anyway, it’s been hot as hell. The only year prior to 2000 that is in the top 10 is 1998, and that’s likely because R. Kelly released his hit single, “I Believe I Can Fly.” Here in Oregon, we had our second hottest year on record, even without the help of that bastard El Niño. Our hottest was way back in 1934, amidst the Dust Bowl.

Once again, Oregon did something long before it was cool.