Speaking of local stalwarts who love to put it down for free; oh hi there, Curtis Monette. Has it already been like three or four weeks since the last time you were at Bombs playing for free? Apparently so. C-Money is back with his unique brand of jamming, looping, shredding, and some other participle verbs he ostensibly executes with his guitar. You should all go, unless you have a great excuse. My great excuse for missing this show is the many years long-running duel to the death that is ongoing betwixt me and Mr. Monette. Last time we squared off was in the courtyard of the Louvre in 1924. I believe I struck a quite palpable blow, but Mr. Monette was able to slink off and heal himself in preparation for our next match, on the roof of the Sears Tower in 2037. There can be only one. But otherwise, you should all go to this show.
Free Range Open Mic Night, Cloud & Kelly’s Public House, 126 SW 1st St. 8 p.m. Free
On the other hand, you might just be in the market for something more unpredictable and eclectic (than a one-man looping improv band). You are also in luck, because there’s this open mic jam that alternates between Cloud and Bombs and it’s Cloud’s turn. Let’s do this mess (no references to 80s sci-fi).
Yeah boyee, that’s how you start the hellidy week right, one of Corvallis’ best and most loyal rock outfits at Bombs. Come see Wups all by themselves which I hope means they’re going to do a three hour set where they play funk and psychedelic covers of classic movie theme songs. I don’t want to act like I’m their spiritual advisor and guru for all things rock, but I’m also going to distinctly not disabuse anyone of that notion either. So if you want to come up to me on the street and ask me what’s up with Wups and what they’re going to play, I’ll totally play along with that and fill your head with nonsense. Like my head. Oh wait, no, they’re playing with Drag Rag and Radion, not by themselves. Huh… I guess forget all this other stuff I wrote? But I’m not deleting it…
Sam Densmore, Calapooia Brewing Company, 140 NE Hill St, Albany, 8 p.m. Free
Who is Sam Densmore? It’s a question asked by the poorly informed, with fingers far from the pulse of the community, to mangle a Clerks cartoon quote. Fortunately for you I’m not that guy. I’m the guy who knows all about Sam Densmore and what he’s going to do at the ‘Pooia this Friday night. It would really be a sad situation for you if you had no real idea of what to expect from a Sam Densmore show and were just told, “go, it’s free, and will probably be good,” or something lazy like that. But that’s not you. You have me here to tell you that you should go to this show, because it is free- but then also add some vital info about Sam Densmore. You lucky duck, you.
Philophobia and The Carys, Cloud & Kelly’s Public House, 126 SW 1st St. 10 p.m. Free
A one-man indie rock loop maestro and a trio of young fresh-faced rockers? I actually put that on my Christmas list. Now in fairness, I put that on my list right after the “canon capable of launching humans,” and it was under the subheading “Ammo,” but still. I asked Santa for this, and based on my regular annual Christmas haul, which is as robust as any other Jewish guy’s, I’m going to take credit for this show coming together. You should make me look good by showing up. ‘Cause seriously, these Carys are cute enough to cheek pinch. They look like Justin Bieber’s cousins, Larry Bieber, his brother Darrel, and his other brother Darrel.
The Nettles & El Diablitos, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $5
Hmm, this is an odd pairing: an Irish folk band and a surf rock band? Why not right? I mean, perhaps the two groups of fans of these types of music will not treat the dance floor like a middle school dance, split along sectarian lines. Perhaps. I would have probably rather seen the Diablitos playing with the Svens, but this band (out of Portland) is fantastic and The Nettles are a pretty reliable outfit too, so I’m in. And I’ll be ordering a burrito and a side of fries, or whiskey, to make this make more sense. As you cans ee I’m completely lost without stereotypes.
Best Christmas Pageant Ever, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7:30 p.m. $16 ($14 members, seniors, students)
BCPE will continue to pack the house and put smiles on the faces of the non-Grinch community. And I couldn’t be happier, despite being a total Grinch myself. The Majestic is indeed on a roll, and this is another example of their crowd-pleasing fare. Next year I’ll be attempting to mount a production of Most Notorious Rosh Hashana Talent Show in History, a musical I wrote myself. It’s pretty derivative of Best Christmas Pageant, but it’s got an angle that will be appreciated by a certain group… I’m referring of course to my cats and me. But until that undoubtedly stellar production happens, you have this.
Jubilate! Winter Concert: Calling All Angels, Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, 2945 NW Circle Blvd. 8 p.m. $12 adults, free for children under 12
Well I can’t say I care for the bossy tone of this ostensibly spiritual singing jamboree. Nobody orders me to “jubilate” with no other explanation than a pointed exclamation mark. Nobody… That said, I’m not going to let my stubborn pride separate me from advising you to go enjoy this probably beautiful and joyous and Christmas infused show. I’ll just have to bide my time and wait for satisfaction on that other point.
Do you know why Bryson Skaar doesn’t have a significant other whose family he should be spending the holiday season with? Becaise he’s tirelessly never missing a Monday at the ‘Gine playing for all of you. I just hope you’re all happy. You should be ashamed, really. We all should. We’re a bunch of heels. Bear in mind I have no idea if any of that is true, and Bryson Skaar could be married for all I know, but if it is true… for shame. Also I was going to ask; Bryson, are you free to play a Christmas eve show at my living room? I won’t be there, but I hate leaving the cats alone without jazz music and my stereo’s broken.
Pastega Christmas Light Display, Benton County Fairgrounds, 110 SW 53rd St. 4:30-10 p.m. Free
Alright, now the helliday week is in its true final drive. And it will be horrible and disgusting. But there is one genuinely nice little tradition in town, and it’s the Pastega Christmas lights. And buckle the f*ck up because it’s basically a death tunnel of Christmas lights bombarding your faceplate with joy and happiness. Wear a helmet
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
You better believe the pickin’s are getting hecka slim by the 22nd. But don’t worry, the Grinchiest lil’ cinema loving non-believer in town has got you more than covered. That’s right, I’m showing movies. As always. Not missing a beat- not for rain, sleet, snow or messianic arrival- CMNYK has our first musical in a while with this superstar-studded musical biography of the legendary composer Jerome Kern. It’s Till the Clouds Roll By (1946)! Judy garland, Frank Sinatra, Van Heflin, Van Johnson, Lena Horne, Angela Lansbury, Dinah Shore and… me? What more can you ask for on the Tuesday before Christmas?
Timba Tuesday, Impulse Bar & Grille, 1425 NW Monroe Ave. 8 p.m. Free
Feliz navidad my pretties. Now why don’t you go flex your multicultural dance muscles by learning how to salsa? It’s not that you’re a bunch of uncultured heathens who dance like the old fogies in footloose before Kevin Bacon got to town… It’s just… Where was I going with this? You guys need to learn to dance. Seriously. I can’t keep telling everyone we know that you just awoke from a several-year cryogenic stasis and your muscles are just severely atrophied. I mean, don’t get me wrong; it’s totally believable, it’s just we’re bound to run into some of these people again.
Michaela Hammer & Clara Baker, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
Don’t forget to turn off the lights as you leave town for the helliday shutdown, Michaela and Clara. These two are pretty much the very last live event of any npote even sort of worth attending in this town until after everyone sobers upthaws out sobers up after Christmas. What type of music will Michaela and Clara play? I don’t know, I’m trying to focus on these gifts, son. Are Michaela and Clara in a band together, or is one of them opening for the other? Again, I put it to you; presents. So seriously, Michaela and Clara, knock ‘em dead and we’ll be back with you all in a few days.
Volunteer for Something
I just decided to throw out a link for a thing you could volunteer for. There are a million other worthy causes as well, of course. You have no excuses here unless all of you are going to see Michaela and Clara at Bombs. And allow me to extend my skepticism that that’s where you’ll all be. It’s not even Christmas Eve yet. Go make someone’s world a better place. Someone who really needs a hand. And then tell them I sent you because I’m going on vacay, my dogs. Holler at me when the helliday season is over. Peace!
You could also honestly volunteer on this night, but that’s only if you’re a spectacularly good person. And clearly I’m not even addressing those of you who celebrate Christmas and will be doing so with your loved ones. You all pretty much have it made and I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and that all your coolest gadgets break the day after the warranty expires. But the rest of us have some serious ghost-town chillaxing to do on Christmas Eve. Now the movie and Chinese combo is a classic, and classics are classics for a reason. But you also are keenly aware that Corvallis has a complete dearth of Chinese food restaurants that aren’t awful, unless The Show which just opened on 9th St. is a miracle maker. What to do? Here’s a pro-tip from your Grinchy soulmate supreme; a bag of Trader Joe’s frozen chicken pot-stickers, a fifth of Robitussin and a dry soft place to pass out. You’re welcome. And merry whatever-makes-you-blah-blah-blah.