Summer Lackbusters Part 2

By Ygal Kaufman

guardians_of_the_galaxy_3Last week I previewed the horrible first half of the summer movies on tap for you as things slow down in Corvallis a bit. This week I flip the scripts entirely and preview a bunch of movies you should actually go see.

Guardians of the Galaxy – Aug. 1
Look, I know there’s a decent percentage of you with advanced degrees, some of you professors of ancient knowledge that have helped sustain the world for thousands of years. So I understand how skeptical you’re going to be of a movie about a team of rogue space brawlers, comprising a green alien, a gun-wielding raccoon, a walking tree, and a guy called Drax the Destroyer.

You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper, Vin Diesel, Lee Pace, Benicio Del Toro, Zoe Saldana, Josh Brolin, and Glenn Close anchor the cast of this absurd and hilarious-looking space spectacle that promises to reinvent the genre. Yes, please.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Aug. 8
Do I really need to explain this one? Arguably the most beloved comic/TV/action figure property of the 80s and 90s gets a live action revival produced by the one evil genius rich and stupid enough to make it happen: Michael Bay. Not since… Transformers, has there been a movie so eagerly anticipated by men aged 25 to 40. Not counting the Kardashian sex tape.

But seriously, the trailer looks fun, ambitious, and full of turtles eating pizza. And it’s got a strong cast of voices including Tony Shalhoub (Monk) as Splinter and Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo. So I guess what I’m saying is, get ready for something brilliantly moronic, or moronically brilliant.

The Expendables 3 – Aug. 15
Look, this idea wasn’t even that fresh four years ago when Stallone first unveiled it. Basically he put together a team of actors, including himself, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and others who had made their names specifically on classic action movies, and turned them loose with a bunch of guns and testosterone. And embarrassing clichés.

The product was underwhelming, but if you grew up during the 80s, this was undeniably impossible to resist. Then, despite lukewarm reception and lower-than-expected grosses, he made a second one. This time adding the usual suspects of classic action, like Chuck Norris and Van Damme.

Now back for a third installment, Sly has packaged his most impressive team yet, adding Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas, Wesley Snipes, and Mel Gibson to the mix of regulars from the previous films.
When reached for comment, Steven Seagal probably said, “Man, screw those guys…” then took a bite of a half-eaten donut off the floor, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill for – Aug. 22
Finally, a comic book movie… just kidding. I’m aware this list is already soaked to the bone with comic adaptations, and perhaps some of you were hoping for something a little more cerebral. Well, how about a compromise?

Fans of the first Sin City film or the comics it’s based on should be well aware of how groundbreaking and full of surprises it is. This time we head back to Frank Miller’s fictional town for another night of booze, broads, and bullets. Prepare to have Mickey Rourke absolutely blow your mind.