Resolutions For A Better World

In 2014…

I will become the best hopscotcher, EVER
I will become the best hopscotcher, EVER
Corvallis: “I will learn the magical art of the snow plow.”

The Government: “We will do SOMETHING.”

Gary Busey: “I will found a new island nation. That is all. No, really.”

9th St.: “You will stop adding new corporate box stores to me, damnit.”

Humans: “We will stop using Facebook infographics as our main source of information.”

Corvallis Advocate: “We will start using infographics to convey the news.”

Monsanto: “We will continue to benefit from the widespread misinformation about GMO that is being spread by by sides of the debate.”

Sarah Palin: “I will vanish into thin air.”

Major Media Outlets: “We will stop putting ‘Check out this Celebrity’s bikini body’ articles between stories of actual consequence.”

Angela Merkel: “I will find a new phone carrier.”

Bicyclists: We will find our way in and out of Southtown without being ran over.

Kim Jong Un: “Yeah, Pokemon! So into them 15 years too late, finally.”

Corvallis Deer: “We will stop and look both ways before we slowly saunter across busy streets during the day and especially on foggy nights. We will decide to not to gorge ourselves on the strawberries or anything else in the human gardens anymore.”

Corvallisites: “We will forbid ourselves from calling Corvallis “Corvegas.” If Vegas is the city that never sleeps than Corvallis is the city that goes to sleep promptly at 2 a.m. when the bars close. Playing Keno or video poker is our casino experience.”

Andrew Dice Clay: “Ohhhh! Hickory dickory dock… (puffs cigarette with panache) and so forth. Diceman here, and in 2014, I plan to make a real comeback (pulls on cigarette like it’s a “free money” lever). So ladies, get ready to wash your backs… ohhhh!”

Piers Morgan: “I will shoot a gun at a gun range. And then, it is to be presumed, I will realize how freaking awesome shooting guns is and my TV show will have to find something else to talk about. Also, I will stop calling the elevator at CNN a ‘lift,’ which clearly annoys the fudgebutter out of Anderson Cooper.”

John Kitzhaber: “I’m going to shave my mustache, and see if my powers to govern have really ever been my own… or whether this unholy thing really is the only reason I am where I am today. Like it always says… “

Ed Ray: “In 2014, I vow to stop leaving harassing voicemails on Michael Gottfredson’s answering machine. And to not egg his house… as much.”

by Corvallis Advocate Staff