Hard Truths

By Sidney Reilly

BoJackStaycationing with the President

Ugh. There’s maybe not a single easier swipe to take at a standing president than the classic, “He’s vacationing right when _______ is happening? What a monster!” People are taking this particularly lazy jab at President Obama right now for his golfing while a number of international crises unfold. The standard reply is some version of “Well, that may be, but Bush was… [blah blah blah] worse.” The truth is, they’re both right. Obama is tone deaf for golfing “at a time like this,” and Bush was too when he did during his “times like those.” And the harder truth is that times are always “like this.” 

But here’s the hardest truth: there are people all over the country who work every day. Some work seven days a week, some work more than one job, and many never get a vacation in their lives, let alone multiple vacations. Obama has taken 20 vacations lasting 2 to 15 days since he took office. 

This isn’t a Democrat or Republican thing. The job of president of the United States is the most prestigious job on the planet. It pays roughly a half a million dollars per year (which is to say nothing of the fact that nearly all living expenses are covered by the State) and after the four to eight years of holding the job, the president is guaranteed a lifetime of lucrative speaking gigs. Isn’t it possible at this point that we can find one person in the whole country who’s willing to do this job and agree to four years without a vacation in exchange for all the perks? 

Brandin Cooks Is Not My Fantasy

The first time I competed in fantasy football, which is now roughly as popular as ketchup, I was a shameless homer who only picked players from my cherished home team. As enthusiasts of the greatest game on Earth well know, this is a recipe for fantasy disaster. Since then I’ve learned to pick the best player on the board, and leave my personal ardor at the door. The only reason I bring this up is that Brandin Cooks is the subject of much draft debate currently as the former Beaver star prepares to start his rookie campaign in New Orleans in a couple weeks. I can only caution: Don’t let your love of orange and black lead you to pick the young baller too early. He has a bright future, but relying on New Orleans wide receivers for fantasy football purposes is like relying on New Orleans levies for keeping-the-city-un-flooded purposes.

BoJack Horseman or: _______ety  ______ Mc_______erton 

I think it would probably be easier to like Netflix original programming if the Netflix people weren’t so… douchey. Their new “original” series is a cartoon called BoJack Horseman, and it’s about an anthropomorphic horse dude named BoJack, voiced by the great Will Arnett, who lives in a world where animals and people coexist and the animals all walk upright and speak and have jobs and such. Okay, you’ve got me. From here the show could be almost anything and I’d like it. So where will you go with this charming and undeniably original premise, Netflix?

BoJack is a self-absorbed jerk who uses the people around him selfishly, but who is also secretly very likable and is going to “find himself” while trying to resuscitate his career and make it up to the loved ones he has wronged. 

Sooooo it’s basically The Royal Tenenbaums. Again. Or East Bound and Down, or The Life Aquatic, or Running Wilde, Dickie Roberts, or literally a million other TV shows and movies before it?

I said “almost anything.” Sorry Netflix, back to the unoriginal drawing board. Get back to me when you have a kooky romantic comedy about an uptight female _____ who teams up with a dirty macho _____ to open a ________ that helps wrongfully accused _______s escape  _______.  But with a hipster twist, like Fred Armisen plays the woman. 

I’m just spitballing here, but perhaps it could be called Goonwriting.