As the State Turns

By Johnny Beaver

stateturnssymbolElection Aftermath

I’m flattered, honestly, I am… that you would wait until the 13th to get your election news just because of little old me! I suppose I’ll try to make it worth your while, then.

First off, it was really nice to see Mr. Biff Traber come out on top in the Corvallis mayoral race (with what appeared to be a delicious beer in his hand) as he awaited the tally in Del Alma. His opponent, Josh Gulliver, trailed by 20 percentage points (a bit over 3,000 votes), but reassured the populace that he was really happy with the result regardless of the loss, promising to stick around and work for our fair burg, possibly on a city board or as a member of city council. Corvallis is so freakin’ adorable.

Just around the bend our very own Sara Gelser went all Macho Man Randy Savage on rival Betsy Close’s campaign, picking up the Oregon Senate District 8 seat. The only downer about this is that while the race was decisively Gelser’s, Close still managed to get just over 19,000 votes. Oregonians have proven time and again that they aren’t very tolerant of puritanical, anti-choice partisans with voting records that support racist mascots and fight marijuana legislation with 30-year-old pseudoscience, so… ::scratches his head::. You people do know she’s nuttier than a fruit cake, right?

Speaking of nuckin’ futs, Art “jacket over the shoulder AIDS-denier” Robinson himself managed to get over 112,000 votes in his most recent failed attempt at unseating Peter Defazio. Again, what the hell, people?

“All we need do with nuclear waste is dilute it to a low radiation level and sprinkle it over the ocean—or even over America after hormesis is better understood and verified with respect to more diseases. “ –Art Robinson

An oldie, but a goodie. And good luck finding an argument that successfully shows I’ve just taken that quote out of context—the stuff he says before and after is just as wackadoodle. At least he keeps things entertaining around here. I almost voted for George W. once just to keep the funny coming.

Lay of the Land

All across the state, Democrats swept up as per usual, but not without a few raised eyebrows.  Kitzhaber somehow employed magical unicorn powers that granted him a too-close victory over Dennis Richardson. Though it really does say something about the viability of the Republican Party in this state when it can’t beat the guy behind Cover Oregon and a handful of other face-palmable scandals. Way to go, Kitzy, you nearly biffed it. And by biff I don’t mean Traber.

As per usual, Oregon once again has sizable Democrat majorities in both the House and Senate. Perhaps the Republicans should find a way to get their viable candidates off the bench and through the primaries. It’s as if the rite of passage involves a woodchipper that you can only pass through if you’re some sort of anti-science bigot. I’m not sure what else to expect from a group that’d put Art Robinson in charge, but still. A lot of people are wondering when this party is going to eject its hijacked culture and get back down to earth. Obviously the crazy vote is not enough to pick up a seat.

Speaking of, I’m a bit bummed that nobody with a really sweet beard or eyepatch picked up a seat. This really seemed to make the Libertarians sad as well, though I couldn’t say why. I’m also miffed to report that after writing myself in for every single election, I didn’t win a single one.

10 Inches of Rock Hard Legislation

Now for the fun part (depending on who you are). State ballot measures 87 (state judges working for other government branches), 89 (equal rights amendment), and 91 (marijuana legalization) passed. Nothing was really too surprising about any of it, though a very close race for the GMO labeling measure could have gone either way. Apologies to those that voted yes and really meant well, but I think you’ll be glad when a much more competently penned measure presents itself in the coming years and gets this thing done the right way. A classic example of “don’t judge a book by its cover” legislation, it’s not hard to defend the position that this was a fairly science-void piece of text that fumbled its good intentions and looked poised to possibly do nothing for those that supported it.

Another curiosity I think is in regards to Measure 89. Many Oregonians, myself included, saw the measure as on point and incredibly defensible. Granted, we also saw it as a bit of fluff that, amongst other things, served as a great vote shelter for politicians that want to look like they support equal rights without actually doing so. While potentially helpful, this measure is far more “herpderp” than “silver bullet.” The women and men of Oregon deserve better.

Speaking of Herpderp…

As the State Turns will be back next week with its regularly scheduled collection of random blather, almost assuredly putting the mystery, the intrigue, and the constipation of these mid-term elections behind us…

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