As the State Turns

By Johnny Beaver

stateturnssymbolOregon Sues Oracle: Shock and Awe

Alright folks, let’s get this one over with. Last week Oregon’s attorney general filed a lawsuit against “software giant” (Why is it always a giant? Why not a cyclops?) Oracle. The suit seeks some fat wads of cash to compensate for “broken promises, fraud, racketeering, and false claims.” As Borat would say, Wawaweewa.

It is the Oregon Department of Justice’s belief that Oracle offered up poorly trained employees and hid their lack of progress, all while collecting a premium for the job. Given the ineptitude of the entire Cover Oregon project, this doesn’t seem like an unrealistic accusation… however, we can’t forget the blind juggling act of doom that was our fine state’s hand in this cookie jar. On some level, that likely played into Oracle’s preemptive strike of filing a lawsuit against the state about a month ago.

This reminds me of two kids on a playground getting in trouble for flinging a swing up around the bar until it was out of reach. When confronted by the teacher, they just point at each other. I guess it’s a good thing that we have such a flawless legal system in this country. They’re bound to sort this out correctly and in a timely fashion.

Meanwhile, Oregonians continue to pay the price.

Salem Lawyer a Ripe Stereotype

Daniel Gatti, lawyer extraordinaire, lives in Salem and just received a BRAND NEW CAR for his outstanding…. oh, wait a second. I mean a 90-day suspension of his lawyerin’ license for passing out funds from an early 2000s molestation case, shall we say, disproportionately. The case involved a reform school run by the state in Woodburn back in the 1970s, where a number of boys were sexually abused by the chaplain.

Despite championing a good cause, Gatti gave ethics a Cleveland steamer and sort of just passed out the money as he saw fit, some clients receiving more than others without paying any heed to silly things like “consent.” This was all contrary to the plan he had laid out with his clients beforehand.

In 1989 Gatti was admonished for some nonsense where he misrepresented himself to clients in order to increase his fee, and picked up a sweet public reprimand in 2000 for misrepresenting his identity.

Not doing much to improve the public image of lawyers, eh?

Oregon Partakes in the Destruction of Youth

Partially against my will, I recently viewed the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. As per usual, Michael Bay replaced a few hours of everyone’s lives with a bland template that could have been written by a seven-year-old, complete with more evidence that Megan Fox is actually a lifeless mannequin, oblivious to her surroundings and unable to coax out more than three facial expressions.

I could list everything that was wrong with this film, from the destruction of the turtles’ personalities to the absolutely bizarre choices for voice actors and the failed mixture of classic TMNT silliness with the new reality of the machine gun-wielding Foot Clan, but really, there’s not enough room in this paper.

Let’s just say that Oregon has committed a crime of culture, perhaps a crime against humanity, by allowing this in theaters. The state has abandoned us, so now we’re on our own. Parents, if you love your children, get them a DVD or Blu-ray of one of the real TMNT movies… and stay far, far away from this new release.

A Bit Out of Portland

Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein of Portlandia took the ice bucket challenge and decided to nominate the entire city of Portland to do it next. Governor Kitzhaber did the same, but nobody wants to see that… and his challenger Republican Dennis Richardson decided to draw a parallel between dumping ice water on your head and getting change in the governor’s mansion. Nice display of opportunism, bro. And yes, I know the capital is in Salem, not Portland… but I think I might be part of the minority.

A teen reported that he was shot with a three-and-a-half-inch dart out of a blowgun—likely having come from a passing vehicle, near Joe Dancer Park in southwest Portland. Because Portland.

Also because Portland, a 34-year-old woman was sent to the hospital for a mental check-up after she stripped naked and climbed a flagpole on top of a downtown office building. Apparently she pulled the flag down, and wrapped herself in it while sporting a lighter and a fire extinguisher. Additionally she chucked construction materials off the roof, damaging a few vehicles. Perhaps after whatever drugs were in her system (police say stimulants) are flushed out, she’ll be an excellent addition to some Olympic team. I can barely climb the stairs in my apartment, let alone climb a flag pole naked.

Trust me, I’ve tried.