As the State Turns

By Johnny Beaver

stateturnssymbolPutin a Bit Puny in Pacific Northwest

Despite Russian President Vladimir Putin’s heroic ban on food imports from the United States, it looks like the millions of dollars it’ll cost Northwest growers is just a flash in the pan. With an industry that’s worth something like $3 billion, the share Russia traditionally has received amounts to less than one percent. In fact, Russia’s entire normal intake of American foodstuffs normally only looks like a total of $1.3 billion.

Is Russia’s embargo the equivalent of taking an angry Smurf’s bite out of a two-ton pizza? Yep.

Homeland Security Ends Donut Terror

Okay, maybe it’s not quite that dramatic. Police have finally nabbed two jokers in relation to the donut-on-car vandalism that had Hillsboro citizens on the edge of their seats during June and July. The two suspects, Aislynn Clevidence Moore, 19, and Anthony David Gratteri, 20, have been charged with sweet, delicious criminal mischief. With a flaky crust.

Police noted that packaging found indicated that the items were at least partially purchased from Winco and Albertson’s. In this reporter’s humble opinion, either there was one hell of a sale, they stole them… or the poor lumps had never heard of eggs. Seriously, donuts aren’t that cheap when used as ammunition.

Jefferson County Treasurer Fail

An investigation conducted by the Department of Justice which uncovered financial irregularities in the Jefferson County Treasurer’s office has resulted in Treasurer Deena Goss being flimflammed with 36 counts of misconduct. But what kind of dastardly deeds could an 11-year veteran treasurer have been getting up to?

According to current information, a whole lot of check over-reporting. Thirteen incidents, in fact, totaling about $315. In one instance, a man’s $26 check for a dog license had been changed to $46 and then cashed. The case is still ongoing so details of all 36 charges have yet to be released, however so far, I’m frankly a bit disappointed. I practically live in a housing project and $315 wouldn’t pay my rent.

Goss maintains her innocence and claims to look forward to a “thorough and public trial.” Liar. Nobody looks forward to a trial.

Is the Water Safe?

Great news, everybody: the Willamette River is “generally” safe to swim in. After years of toxic dumping, harbor use, sewage dumping (only really truncated since 2011’s East Side Big Pipe Project), and more, the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality website ( now declares safe swimming… for most of the year. In parts of the river. And not after rainstorms. Or in cloudy water. Also, don’t swallow the water.


According to the EPA, which has been working to improve river conditions since at least 2000, most of the danger lies in the sediment. If you eat it, dig in it, or belly flop upon it you’re likely to have diarrhea out both ends just before you sprout a lobster tail and join the circus.

The previous statement has not been approved by the American Medical Association.

Two Boring Bits of Bore

Camp Kitzhaber has announced the governor’s engagement to long-time girlfriend Cylvia Hayes. Hoorah! Maybe now everyone complaining about a “girlfriend” staying in the governor’s mansion can take a breather and go back to trying to convince their Facebook friends that the government is poisoning us with chemtrails.

Meanwhile in Beaverton, a great number of city offices have taken to the back of a large space turtle, slowly migrating from their current locations to a complex known as The Round (I’m guessing it’s round). They’ve since renamed it The Beaverton Building… and I just choked on my yawn.