Passing out Halloween treats? Here’s what not do

candycornWho misses trick-or-treating besides me? Some nights I’d just kill it out there, hauling in gummy bears, full-size candy bars, and heading home with a bountiful booty of sweetness. However, I’d also riffle through the candy bag and find disappointing oddities like a toothbrush, wax fangs, or the dreaded “fruit.”

Please, don’t be that neighborhood weirdo or family that hands out tricks instead of treats this Halloween. Here’s what not to do:

Candy with Nuts: While I think Snickers are the bomb, I bummed out many kids last Halloween giving them out. “Ah, Snickers has nuts in it!”, exclaimed one adorable little princess with a lisp. So many children have peanut allergies nowadays to boot.

Fruit: It’s not your responsibility for America’s youth to eat healthy on this night. No fruit, or you’ll be cleaning it off the front porch later.

Old People Candy: Werther’s Originals, Andes Mints, candy corn, butterscotch candies — see a pattern here?

Donations: In any other circumstance, giving away cans of soup and other non-perishable food items is a nice gesture. It’s generally something older folks do by accident.

Homemade Treats: Practice your baking experiments on your own family. Parents haven’t let their kids eat unwrapped treats since the beginning of time.

Expired Candy: Wine gets better with age, but candy?

Religious Materials: There’s just likely a more appropriate time and place to hand these items out.

Milk Duds: It’s nice to be able to remove candy from your teeth instead of the other way around. I did just that as a kid, true story.

Spare Change: Kids like coins, but they’re not exactly college students who need laundry or parking meter money. In fact, with today’s prevalence of youthful smartphone access and credit cards, who’s sure they’d even know what it was?

by Patrick Fancher