Holiday Palate Cleanser

palettecollageI like Holiday tunes, lights, colors, and so on as much as the next guy. Well, maybe not. I enjoy my holidays, but afterwards I’m always left feeling a little “cultured” to death. So as you cruise away from the 25th and towards the palate cleansing 31st, take a few pre-emptive strikes out of my little black book and scrape those jingle bells away with some truly great and varied media.

1. Tech N9ne’s Something Else: In what I think is fair to call a masterpiece in progressive rap, the collaborations with everyone from Serj Tankian to The Doors to T-Pain and Cee Lo Green should at least pique your interest. Tech N9ne has no equal and this magnum opus proves it.

2. Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange: If anything says “I am the Anti-Holiday,” this is it. This movie will leave you feeling terrible in all the right ways, and takes place on foreign soil that Santa wouldn’t dare touch.

3. Dysrhythmia’s Psychic Maps: One of the most intense progressive instrumental metal albums ever made. It’ll scrape the walls of your brain off with a rusty fork. Nonstop intensity from start to finish. It’ll leave you wondering how the band didn’t liquify their own organs while recording the record.

4. Hellraiser Parts I and II: Essentially just one long movie, this grotesque piece of film is so disturbing and nasty that it’d be especially hard to walk away from feeling any sort of cheer. Inspired by Aphex Twin’s popular “Come to Daddy”.

5. Raffi’s 1980 release Baby Beluga: Just listen to this on repeat for a day or two and you’ll wind up spending your future holidays in a concrete room, drooling out of the side of your mouth and talking to an elephant on stilts that may or may not actually be there.

6. Lordi’s The Riff: A single track from these monstrous Finnish hard rockers, it features a lot of toilet paper and zombies. Pretty tame overall, Lordi is good fun and caused a lot of controversy when they won Eurovision in 2006 simply because their “grim” appearances offended certain sensibilities. Either way, there’s no dashing through any sort of snow going on.

by Johnny Beaver