If you’re like me, you try to avoid as much bodily harm over the holidays as possible. Sure, there’s the errant hand-slap when you go for the tenth cookie in a row (seriously, they’re still warm), but what about more dangerous instances?
In 2001 alone, 18,000 home fires were reported to fire departments across the country, resulting in 190 deaths, 1,450 injuries, and property lost estimates of over $260 million. December sees the monthly rates double. Case in point, put out the damn candles. According to several highly intelligent commissions, each year the holiday season sees 12,500 people for cuts, burns, falls, shocks, and squirrel bites due to festive accidents.
Let’s take a look at some ways you can avoid becoming a statistic.
Lights, camera, zapption. See what I did there? Simply put, don’t plug anything in if your grippers are dripping in egg nog. While I couldn’t find any specific research linking egg nog to electrocutions, I believe it is safe to say that it will indeed conduct electricity. On a more plausible front, don’t stick your finger in the socket itself.
The skull is like a built-in helmet, but unfortunately it’s a piece of crap and doesn’t work that well. When climbing on ladders, don’t fall off. And when rummaging through the refrigerator, don’t back out or stand up really quick or you’re likely to take a freezer door to the noggin. This happened once to an intoxicated young man named Esteban, and the next thing we knew he was outside peeing away from a tree, instead of onto it.
Well, the obvious thing here is to get a spotter when putting up the lights. You’re no Clark Griswold. When you fall off that ladder the only thing that’s going to save you is the lawn, and let’s just say the lawn is still pissed off at you for cutting it once a week. This also doubles for when you climb on top of a folding chair to put that Yoda plushy on top of the tree. Also, the stairs. For no particular reason other than the fact that they’re stairs, and that’s what they do – toss you down themselves.
If an elderly relative has made cookies or some other consumable, but hasn’t quite shaken that decades-long rash on her right hand… just, abstain. You’ll either be eating some sort of yet-to-be-classified microorganism, or enough hydrocortisone to land you in the ICU pending a tongue amputation. Additionally, watch out for those cookies with the huge bits of baking soda. Good grief, there’s a blender, use the damn thing.
Despite all these dangers, don’t forget to let your holiday flag fly and have fun! Just do it in an insulated suite, buried in concrete at the bottom of the ocean… so nothing can get you.
by Johnny Beaver