Linn County… You Wascally Wabbits
It seems just like yesterday we were reporting on Linn County Sheriff Tim Mueller’s entanglement with the Posse Comitatus weirdos, but now it seems that the police chiefs of Albany, Lebanon, and Sweet Home have joined his and the District Attorney’s office in signing a letter that, to paraphrase, says “Drugs are bad, mmmk.” In reality, what they’re doing is drawing a line in the sand against dispensaries in an attempt to force those that have prescriptions, and perhaps eventually those that just like a little weed in their Cheerios, to drive over county lines to get it – which they will do, bringing those dollars elsewhere. According to OPB, DA Doug Marteeny seems to think that the medical marijuana system is just a Trojan horse for legalizing marijuana. While anyone can respect the fact that voters have currently rejected bringing dispensaries into the county, one must question the sanity of anyone that thinks proven medical fact is somehow a smokescreen designed to put a toker on every street corner. Who’s hiding behind the wall of bull$#@! now, Linn County?
You may remember back in April when popular DJ Westy Weaver was let go due to her support of marriage equality – er, I mean “budget cuts.” Fast forward a handful of months and KLOO is toting an ad that suggests one can “make [them] your Facebook bitch.” Because under light of past actions, that’s not sexist or crass. Of course not.
Paul Walker, Drag Racer
As many people know by now, actor Paul Walker of Fast and the Furious fame died in a car accident outside of a charity event. While I’m a firm believer in the “everything goes as long as the intent isn’t nasty” school of tomfoolery, I’ve been a little sickened by all of the street racing jokes, such as “I guess it got to his head and he thought he could do it in real life!” Not only was the guy not driving, but that’s not even funny. At least try for decent comedy, you oafs. The man left behind a teenage daughter and died while leaving a charity he put together to help benefit victims of Typhoon Haiyan. Either deliver a five-star joke, or go back to your Coors and Honey Boo Boo. For an example of how to do this the right way, an anonymous 4Chan forum user claimed that Paul Walker was conclusively determined to have been killed by Nazi Ghosts.
The Pope’s PR Campaign
I won’t say he’s a bad guy for the same reason I think people stammering for his every break of wind are silly. He’s multilingual, has had a lung removed, danced the tango with a girl, eschewed fancy transportation (aside from the bullet-proof pope-mobile of course) and now, it turns out, the man once worked as a chemist of some sort and a bar bouncer. What next, do we find out he has a glass eye that resulted from a knife fight with four angry chimpanzees? As long as Francis’ progression towards openness with groups the Catholics have traditionally rained hate upon continues, I’ll buy the man a scotch and dispatch some ninjas with him. But if it’s just another seduction by the Vatican to keep themselves from becoming a whisper, well, no scotch for you, Francis. Making the judgment one way or another too early is a fool’s errand. And seeing as how nothing has actually been done yet, well, there we are.
by Johnny Beaver