OMGWTF!?… Earth Ball: An Interspecies Masquerade?

I went to Earth Ball. I was glad to see the venue offered multiple alcoholic beverages and also coffee, because what is the point of going to a party if I am asleep? My other primary feeling, besides gladness and maybe a little wooziness from the cider, was annoyance because it was a masquerade and not enough people were masquerading themselves. I would also like to point out that even though it was clearly labeled an “All-Species Masquerade” there were practically no other species besides humans. Only a crocodile and a parrot showed up. So out of spite I will refer to the partygoers as “people” because from my estimation at least 99.04 percent of attendees were people, not sloths or iguanas or even beavers. Not one damn beaver showed up.

I was also highly irritated that none of the animals were costumed. I didn’t see the crocodile personally, but everyone was saying “Did you see the crocodile?” which tells me immediately that it didn’t bother to dress up. If everyone can immediately tell that you are a crocodile, you need to try harder. Like those folks dressed up as crows. It took me a good few minutes of side-eyeing to confirm that there wasn’t a species of ostrich-sized crows around that I just didn’t know about, and that it was actually people. People whose caws and wing-flappings were so true-to-life that I was guarding my beverage and checking for the closest exit before I realized the truth. So major props to the Crowsters, that is how masquerading should be done.

No props to you, though, Parrot. Yeah, I saw those vermillion wings, saw them from across the room. Couldn’t find an outfit, or just didn’t want to? You could have at least painted your beak and called yourself a toucan. I don’t have high expectations, I am just disappointed by your lack of effort.

Speaking of a lack of effort, when you bring raw nature into an event hall, take the tape off its snout and let it snap its jaws a little. When I look back on Earth Ball, the only two things wrong are that the non-people attendees didn’t deign to wear costumes, and that they decided that night to act like everyone else, chillin’, looking over people’s shoulders making small talk. For a party that was about the diversity of Earth, I could have really gone for a crocodile in a tux trying to bite my leg off, or a piebald parrot making a nest in my hair. Tell me if I’m being unreasonable.


By Shalimar Jones