Oregon Backwash

It’s new, it’s improved, it’s the Oregon Backwash! Yaaay. Act excited or I’m going to feel bad about myself.

PDX Ordinance Drama
The city of Portland recently hacked up an ordinance designed to make sure nobody stands too close to a crappy structure during an earthquake. This, of course, makes total sense – the last time I was in an earthquake, I spent the afternoon taking a look around for a good place to stand. Once I had made my well-informed choice, the earth was then free to commence the jiggling.

I know what you’re thinking: “Well, what’s the big deal with this awesome ordinance?” Glad you asked. Essentially, it requires everyone in possession of an “unreinforced masonry building” to post a sign that’s all like “this building is a piece of crap and will fall all the hell over you during an earthgasm.” I have no idea why, but this seems to have pissed quite a few people off. Something about “this is unfair and stupid and harmful and racist.”

Currently, the city is getting a stern talking to by a diverse cross-section of humans, including the NAACP, music lovers, and those pesky turds that try to keep people from being ripped off by their landlords. Ew, yuck! But, I guess this is America, and they have a right to complain. Especially so in terms of the black community, who have suffered at the hands of the racist underpinnings of PDX for a long time. Many of the buildings affected by this ordinance are in predominantly black neighborhoods, so joking aside, wtf dudes?

Call a do over and rescind this piece of crap, then go back to the drawing board and do it right. Maybe hire a few sixth graders to be sure you don’t poop it up.

Oh, Wowaweewaa!
Did you know that Portland’s night life is ranked higher than even Las Vegas or New York City?

No?

Good. Because that’s a dumb thing to talk about. Isn’t that right, Oregonlive? Mmmhmm.

Oregon to Treat Women .002% More Fairly
Oregon jails are going to now be offering tampons to female inmates. Although most already do, those that provide pads online will be required to have the other option, and there is legislation on the table that would make this the law. Women will still have to buy extras if they want more than ten a month or specific brands, but 10 are free of charge per month.

While this is an awesome change to see the state making, it’s hard not to think about how ridiculous it is that A. this has to be a law, and B. this has to even be a discussion at all. This is just common human decency, plain and simple.

Also, I’m looking forward to hearing male inmates complain that they aren’t getting free pads.

Alrighty Then
Way back in September 2017, one Deante von Gibson hired an Uber to drive him to a bank in Wilsonville, which he then robbed. The driver thought things seemed a little funny, so they snapped a photo of Mr. von Gibson and he was eventually arrested that December after robbing several more banks. Shocking.

As you may recall, von Gibson claimed to have been robbing the bank to help his hurricane relief effort, and decided to do so after getting pissed off that no politicians would listen to his proposal. His lawyer referred to him as misguided, and reporting seems to suggest that he was being sincere in his defense. As of the time of writing, I was unable to confirm whether he had been convicted of previous crimes. At 41 years old though, it seems like you would’ve gotten caught for something already if you’re going to pull multiple bank robberies and then sound off some completely insane explanation. That feels like mentally-unstable honesty.

So, von Gibson, I am on your side. Except for the part where you scared the crap out of a bunch of people and stole stuff. For that, you probably deserve the nearly 4 years in prison and $7100 fine you just got.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell
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