As the State Turns: Wild Animals

We Can’t Talk About a Shark Attack
Because it happened at Cape Cod, and I don’t even know where the hell that is. If it doesn’t have fir trees and hipsters crawling all over it, it ain’t planet earth.

We Can, However, Talk About Cougars
And not even the kind you sometimes spot in the mall, eyeballing you from across the way, being all like “Hey, baby. I’m like Stifler’s mom and stuff, check out my leather pants.” Something like that.

Anyway, authorities launched a laser-guided rocket from the moon and took out what they believe to be the cougar that recently killed an Oregon hiker. They’ll be able to tell for sure after some testing has been done on the cougar’s body. I know what you’re thinking, but it was a really tiny rocket.

Despite being horrifically scary looking, and always walking back and forth in the zoo like they’re going to eat your kid, cougar attacks are actually pretty rare. This probably stems from that one time that Benji the Hunted saved their babies or beat the hell out of one or something. I don’t know, I don’t watch that crap.

Benji rules, though.

Oregon Flips Humboldt Marten the Bird
Ah, the Humboldt Marten. So majestic, so free, so…it’s pretty much a ferret squirrel, and not the kind of lil’ fuzzer you’d want to shake up and shove down your pants. Still, adorable from a safe distance. Yet, unfortunately there are only a couple hundred of them left, split between Oregon and California. They’ve been nearly wiped out by—you guessed it—the human race, in all of their infinite expansion, trapping, logging, and marijuana-related destruction of habitat.

Despite their endangered status however, Oregon officials have refused to issue any protections to them. Why? A petition lacks scientific information, they say. Well now! I guess the Humboldt Martens’ having disappeared faster than Doc Martens at a doorbuster sale near a punk venue isn’t good enough. Let me translate:

“Until there is sufficient hard evidence of the thing that’s obvious, people shall retain the right to still eff up these foxsquirrelcats with reckless abandon.”

I dunno, maybe we should like, stop killing animals in general. Seems kind of rapey / murdery.

PDX School Dress Code Goes Wild
Yep, we’re talking about this. I can just hear Johnny Beaver now, rolling over in his grave. In the future, because he’s not dead yet. He’s actually my editor (and not me) and I love him. Sweet beard, generous smile, and legs that go on forever. ::sigh…::

Oh right, so…according to Oregonlive, the Portland Public Schools dress code “allows almost anything.” My mind immediately goes to chicken suits and cardboard boxes, but apparently the kids have been chill about it. And now this policy, which seeks to allow teachers to teach instead of waste their time measuring shoulder straps and all that, is starting to be picked up by other districts all over the place. Seriously, three cheers for not blowing your resources on screwing with transgender kids or people that like hats. Not everyone is happy, of course. Here are some of my favorite comments cribbed from the Oregonlive piece:

“Let’s not teach our precious students anything about conforming to social expectations. It’s called dress codes. Work environments won’t allow “anything goes” so I guess they will learn that lesson at work or when they don’t get hired. Way to go education districts, failing the kids again.” – Gumball19 (who later goes on to call kids dumb)

“The race to the bottom continues.” – Higgledy Piggledy

“Guys, here’s a hint: nobody wants to see your ‘snail track’ hair! Nobody!” – The Woodchuck Chucks

“If the lib/progs have their way all military personnel will get to dress like high schoolers and gender-fluid soldiers and sailors…” – 1978

“What happens when a “gender fluid” kid gets out into the real world and is faced with interviewing for a job? Most employers are not as fashion forgiving as PPS.” – Japhyryder

“Its not racist or sexist to hold human beings to a societal standard. If you dont, society breaks down and you ultimately have chaos. Parents don’t want to parent, teachers don’t want to teach. People don’t want to do their jobs. They all want accountability to be placed on someone else. The US has become the ultimate pass the buck society. Yet we wonder why kids are doing the most dastardly things and are so disrespectful and apathetic towards anything resembling responsibility. We have become a “blame someone, anyone, as long as it’s somebody else” country of losers. These kids are the fruit of that mantra and do exactly what they see their lazy parents do. Yet, having told the truth I will get thumbed down mercilessly and ridiculed here because people don’t want to hear the truth, grab onto it and humble and better themselves. They’ll just blame my post and continue living their nonsensical lives. Kids will continue to degenerate, and the beat will go on…” – Terminator

Lol, that last one…hole e. sh*t, that’s some intense psychopathy.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell