Linn-Benton Backwash: When Turkeys Attack

Raise your hand if you knew we had a Community Services Consortium? Nobody? Well, don’t feel bad. You know now! Because someone crashed their car into it last week. Thankfully no one was hurt. But, I have to ask…how often does this happen in Corvallis? A few years back someone drove through the front of my apartment on Division and pushed the front door all the way in and up onto the staircase. That was cool, besides being scared half to death and losing my front door for several weeks. If you’ve seen a car crash into a building in Corvallis, or were lucky enough to have it happen to you, shoot me a letter to notreally@dontactuallyemailme.com.

Also last week, Corvallis doggie cops busted some drug holders at the corner of Buchanan and 9th. For those of you that know the area, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Not because it’s a drug haven, but because that intersection is a pain in the as*hole. Totally cursed. That’s a fact.

Over in Lebanon they had the Quirky Turkey event, because of course they did. In all honesty, it’s really great that the community comes together to submit makeshift crafty turkey sculptures for critical comparison, and then gives out awards…but…dude, the turkeys there are numerous and violent. I’ve been chased on at least three occasions by one of those mutant chicken-pheasants, and mark my words, if they had caught me, they’d have slit my throat with their razor sharp talons. Warm blood would’ve flowed out of my neck slit like a lazy geyser as the light left my eyes…and probably would ruin my favorite shirt, which is really awesome and has Steve Harrington from Stranger Things on it. So, if you want to celebrate something in Lebanon, how about the uh…well…maybe…okay, or the uh…alright. I guess you have to work with what you’ve got.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously—nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell
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