Linn-Benton Backwash: Destructive Idiots and Freemasons

What’s new, Corvallis? Besides being a middle class, white privilege orgy, that is? ::ba dum dum, pish::

I meant to say that some Corvallisite was arrested last week for child pornography. So that’s great. And, what else? A local newspaper reported on what another local newspaper reported on in response to what the first newspaper had previously reported. Thankfully, there wasn’t any one-sided reporting involved, that’d have been an embarrassing move to make in an already embarrassingly small-town thing! Almost as bad as that one time Steve Schultz’ dog Mocha took a dump in the middle of a photo session (or the out of place comma that was in this sentence in the print edition). Of course, that’s not embarrassing. It’s the fact that we never ran the mid-dump image.

Seriously people, that photo is still stored around here somewhere. It’s gonna happen.

Over in Albany some idiots wrecked Lafayette Elementary school, ruining carpets and computers, writing profane stuff on the walls, and so on. It’s kind of hard to overstate the damage done, which is supposed to have been around $50k. However, school officials don’t think there’ll be any issues in having the school ready for the beginning of the year, which is fast approaching. In the meantime, anyone sh*tty enough to do something like this is also likely dumb enough to turn themselves in on accident, so here’s to hoping.

Lebanon Freemasons seem to have just celebrated their 150th birthday if uh, well by birthday I meant an arbitrary time marker that states how long they’ve been lodgin’ it up in the area. Which is totally what I meant, and makes sense so I don’t need to go back and edit that sentence. What I want to know is how they feel about operating so far from the giant polar hole that allows them to travel to Hollow Earth and meet up with their leadership. Personally, I couldn’t handle being away from my Reptilian overlords for that long.

Wait, did I just confuse my conspiracy theories?

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell