It’s that time again! Where you read the Linn-Benton Backwash column and either go “this is stupid, I wish they’d fire this idiot,” or “Oh man! So good. So good I’m going to chuckle very heartily.”
Corvallis has some kind of upcoming “mayoral” race, but I’m not sure why. After all, how could you not vote for a guy named “Biff,” even if just on principle? I know he was a jerk, but tell me you’re not secretly in love with Biff Howard Tannen? Young Biff, of course. Old Biff was actually based on Donald Trump (true story), and we kind of hate that guy. Both of those guys.
Over in Philomath, our favorite geographic colostomy bag (I don’t know what I mean by that, I just really wanted to say it), there was a fun head-on smashup the other day. Both drivers accused each other of running right into the other. I’m going to go ahead and put this out there: I think they both did it. No injuries were reported, so that’s cool. But uh…road rage is a turn-off for like, 40% of us. So consider that the next time you’re going to kiss bumpers with a fellow Philomathian. Philomatian…hmm. I’m going with Philomatian. A little bit martian, a little bit dalmation, a whole lotta’ Philomath.
Over in Albany there was some real action, though. A couple of dudes crashed a sh*tty Honda into a bank and the cops showed up, whipped out their guns, and then were like “get on the ground” and all that stuff. Turns out they had been chased into town by other cops because they stole some stuff. Nothing good, so I won’t bother you with it. Nobody ever steals anything cool, like limited edition Funk Pop vinyl figures. Or Cheetos.
Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously—nobody here does; especially the author.
By Sam Campbell