Linn-Benton Backwash

WHO LOVES BRETT KAVANA… KAVANAH…. KAVA-SOMETHING?! RAISE YOUR HANDS!!! NOBODY? Oh, seriously, nobody?

That was the scene in Corvallis last week, anyway, when a bunch of people mobilized to basically say “f*ck you” to that Brett guy. And frankly, after watching his bizarre defense the other day, I can see why. What a douchebag. How the hell is this guy even able to be nominated for such an important role? He seems like a total moron. A 12-year-old boy trapped in a man’s flabby body, destined to somehow be a judge, yet not even come close to a rational attempt at making himself look like anything but a cranky old guilty turdbutt.

In other news, don’t worry lady, I ain’t gonna out you. Let’s just say: Corvallisites, it’s probably not the Internal Revenue Service if they’re demanding you pay up in Google Play Cards. Seriously, don’t be that dumb. Let people from Sweet Home take care of it. Or people from Brownsville, because…Brownsville. You know? Yeah, you know.

In other other news, West Albany actually beat the crap out of Lebanon in football. In the immortal words of some random dude in that Godzilla anime on Netflix: “There must be some kind of monster factor.” Actually, I can’t even remember if he said that or not, but I got the gist of it. My guess is that Lebanon threw the game because they’re just a group of really great guys, and want other teams to feel like they’re in the running.

Albany’s second big win this week, a human turd named Shawn Lee Hooper was sentenced to eight years for rape. Let’s just hope he doesn’t wind up on the Supreme Court.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously—nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell
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